So many of us feel the pressure nowadays to be that "perfect" mom. I'm sure mamas back in the day felt the pressure as well, but now that we have social media outlets like Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest the temptation to compare confronts us every time we check our profiles.
My FB feed is a showcase of how amazing the moms that I know are. I have friends who are excellent artists, seamstresses, crafters, chefs, decorators, homemakers, etc. I have friends who take their kids on trips around the world, who home school their kids, who birth children without drugs, or even have five or more children.
And then there's me.
To some extent my Pinterest is a "dream board." Oh, I'd love this, one day I will cook this. On a day I'm feeling ambitious I will make that. So many beautiful things to pin. So many great ideas to consider. But there's so little time, skill, and/or willpower to fulfill my "dream board."
I'm going to keep this short, because honestly what I've been doing lately is starting drafts and not finishing them. I started this post days ago and it's still in my draft folder. Ugh. I'm sure someone else can relate to starting things and just not finishing, right?!?
Regardless of our own inadequacies in certain areas my desire is to just see women empower women. Moms encourage moms. None of this "mom shaming" crap that seems so rampant today. It was always there, but now that we have an online "voice" it seems ever-present.
And come on ladies, we need to be okay with disagreeing on things. I hate the condescending "oh, I would NEVER do that" attitude we get with one another on different issues. Most of the time there's not "one" way to do things, and we need to be respectful of other people holding different belief systems than we hold personally. Have the time until you have walked in someone's shoes you wouldn't know how you would handle yourself!
Stop worrying about everyone else and what they are doing. Strive to be the best YOU that YOU can be. If we all work at being the best woman God created us individually to be we can spend more time building one another up. After all, we need each another.
Sunday, November 8, 2015
Saturday, June 20, 2015
WHY YOU SHOULDN'T "JUST" LEAVE YOUR CHURCH
I've been processing church membership in my mind over the last couple of years. Not whether there is a need for it, but whether there is a sweet spot when it comes to the number of churches a healthy, maturing Christian would be a part of in their lifetime. Growing up in "the church", I have had the opportunity to watch many people make decisions regarding where to commit their membership, or whether, for that matter, to commit at all. I know some who have been at one church their entire lives, even having multiple generations of their family represented in the church body. I have witnessed some church goers make membership commitments to multiple churches within a short distance of one another and within an even shorter time span. I have watched some attend a church, become a member, and then withdraw their membership only to wander aimlessly between churches attempting to find the "perfect" church for their families. And then there are those who decide being a member of a church is not for them, usually after some sort of offense has happened.
The thing is, the quest for the "perfect" church is a futile one. You will never be able to find a church body that has it all because we don't have it all. I have been a member-to-date of four churches. I don't know whether this is an "appropriate" number or not, but there were reasons that I ended up at a different church at these moments of my life. I have come to believe that churches are seasonal, and that one may attend multiple church bodies throughout their lifetime. I was "born into" my first church. My second church was the one I attended when I went to college in Oklahoma. I don't even think I visited very many churches; the one I settled at just felt like "home." Not home in the sense of it being similar to the church that I was from "back home," but it felt right. I remained at this church until I graduated and moved back to California. And because I was already head-over-heels for the man who was to become my husband, I returned to my first church after graduation. This church is where we met, and I represented the third generation of my family in my membership. Eventually, four generations of my family were present at said church.
Fast forward quite a few years. After approximately 10 years of marriage and 2 children later, my husband and I made the decision it was time to move to Texas. Long story short, in Texas we attended a large congregation 45 minutes away from our home for a year or so, until we finally settled at a much smaller congregation just minutes from our house.
Enough of my history.
I strongly believe that God uses the local church to accelerate the growth process in His children. It's one of the reasons I think we are all to be a part of a local church body. When you join a church, it is much like a marriage, with the exception, in my opinion, of it not being a lifetime institution. When you are honeymooning you think that your pastors can do-no-wrong and the friendly, compassionate congregants are further proof that you are now a part of the best church in the area.
Fast forward a year. Or a month. Or twenty four hours. The "friendly" congregants are cliquish and arrogant. Beloved Pastor has made one mistake too many. What used to be a wonderful gathering of people has now become a dysfunctional mess. Everyone and their mama has offended you by now, and Pastor's wife has done it too.
What I've noticed is that people who leave from a church because of offense is this: they get offended and leave church number two. And then three. And four. The cycle keeps going until they either become serial church hoppers, or they give up on the "church" altogether. Eventually they become swallowed by bitterness and disillusionment, with some ultimately walking away from their faith altogether.
Ugh. How unfortunate this is when it happens. We don't "see" it occurring once we've already got the cycle of church infidelity going, so it's important to be aware of this before it starts, or at least, early on in the process.
At the risk of sounding harsh: Stop leaving your church because someone hurt you! I say this in love because I want you to be healthy and whole. But you have got to stop running every time you've been done wrong. Go ahead and accept the fact that no matter where you go, you are going to have to deal with hurt feelings. If you don't learn to process and work through your hurt where you are at you will be like the children of Israel who continued to wander in the wilderness. You will never enter your promised land.
It may not feel like a "safe place" for you to experience the emotions you are going through, but know this: when you are in God's will you ARE in a safe place! This doesn't mean that the person who has offended you will even deal with it correctly after you bring it to their attention (if that's the route you go), but if you're serving my God- the God of "Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob," this thing I know: God has good things in store for you. He will hold each of us accountable for how we act and react to the situations in which we find ourselves. If vindication is in order He will vindicate you. If correction is needed, He will correct. It is in the moments that we are being stretched that we need to surrender to the process and not fight the Lord in what he is trying to develop in us.
Lastly, don't forget that Jesus referred to us as sheep. When sheep get separated from the flock things don't bode well for the straggler. Don't let the enemy convince you to isolate, especially if you're "injured."
Ok, here are some disclaimers. I am not naive enough to believe that this applies to EVERY situation you may face. In addition this post assumes a couple of things: that you are in a Bible believing church and that there is no abuse or any other illegal activity going on. This post is also not aimed at anyone or written for someone in particular, so don't go thinking I'm sitting on my bed thinking about you! But at the same time, if the shoe fits, wear it! I have made plenty of mistakes and will continue to make them as long as I live. We all have dysfunction. The key is, recognize yours and deal with it. You're grown now, believe it or not, and you can do "all things through Christ who gives you strength." (Phil 4:13)
-eRiKa
The thing is, the quest for the "perfect" church is a futile one. You will never be able to find a church body that has it all because we don't have it all. I have been a member-to-date of four churches. I don't know whether this is an "appropriate" number or not, but there were reasons that I ended up at a different church at these moments of my life. I have come to believe that churches are seasonal, and that one may attend multiple church bodies throughout their lifetime. I was "born into" my first church. My second church was the one I attended when I went to college in Oklahoma. I don't even think I visited very many churches; the one I settled at just felt like "home." Not home in the sense of it being similar to the church that I was from "back home," but it felt right. I remained at this church until I graduated and moved back to California. And because I was already head-over-heels for the man who was to become my husband, I returned to my first church after graduation. This church is where we met, and I represented the third generation of my family in my membership. Eventually, four generations of my family were present at said church.
Fast forward quite a few years. After approximately 10 years of marriage and 2 children later, my husband and I made the decision it was time to move to Texas. Long story short, in Texas we attended a large congregation 45 minutes away from our home for a year or so, until we finally settled at a much smaller congregation just minutes from our house.
Enough of my history.
I strongly believe that God uses the local church to accelerate the growth process in His children. It's one of the reasons I think we are all to be a part of a local church body. When you join a church, it is much like a marriage, with the exception, in my opinion, of it not being a lifetime institution. When you are honeymooning you think that your pastors can do-no-wrong and the friendly, compassionate congregants are further proof that you are now a part of the best church in the area.
Fast forward a year. Or a month. Or twenty four hours. The "friendly" congregants are cliquish and arrogant. Beloved Pastor has made one mistake too many. What used to be a wonderful gathering of people has now become a dysfunctional mess. Everyone and their mama has offended you by now, and Pastor's wife has done it too.
What I've noticed is that people who leave from a church because of offense is this: they get offended and leave church number two. And then three. And four. The cycle keeps going until they either become serial church hoppers, or they give up on the "church" altogether. Eventually they become swallowed by bitterness and disillusionment, with some ultimately walking away from their faith altogether.
Ugh. How unfortunate this is when it happens. We don't "see" it occurring once we've already got the cycle of church infidelity going, so it's important to be aware of this before it starts, or at least, early on in the process.
At the risk of sounding harsh: Stop leaving your church because someone hurt you! I say this in love because I want you to be healthy and whole. But you have got to stop running every time you've been done wrong. Go ahead and accept the fact that no matter where you go, you are going to have to deal with hurt feelings. If you don't learn to process and work through your hurt where you are at you will be like the children of Israel who continued to wander in the wilderness. You will never enter your promised land.
It may not feel like a "safe place" for you to experience the emotions you are going through, but know this: when you are in God's will you ARE in a safe place! This doesn't mean that the person who has offended you will even deal with it correctly after you bring it to their attention (if that's the route you go), but if you're serving my God- the God of "Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob," this thing I know: God has good things in store for you. He will hold each of us accountable for how we act and react to the situations in which we find ourselves. If vindication is in order He will vindicate you. If correction is needed, He will correct. It is in the moments that we are being stretched that we need to surrender to the process and not fight the Lord in what he is trying to develop in us.
Lastly, don't forget that Jesus referred to us as sheep. When sheep get separated from the flock things don't bode well for the straggler. Don't let the enemy convince you to isolate, especially if you're "injured."
Ok, here are some disclaimers. I am not naive enough to believe that this applies to EVERY situation you may face. In addition this post assumes a couple of things: that you are in a Bible believing church and that there is no abuse or any other illegal activity going on. This post is also not aimed at anyone or written for someone in particular, so don't go thinking I'm sitting on my bed thinking about you! But at the same time, if the shoe fits, wear it! I have made plenty of mistakes and will continue to make them as long as I live. We all have dysfunction. The key is, recognize yours and deal with it. You're grown now, believe it or not, and you can do "all things through Christ who gives you strength." (Phil 4:13)
-eRiKa
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
What Makes The Difference (How you will remain a Christian)
It's the end of May and young adults are graduating from High School. It's a great accomplishment, rightfully filled with excitement and anticipation of what's to come. Churches are having ceremonies celebrating the accomplishments and future plans of these young people and everyone has dreams of grandeur. Potential seems, and is, endless for most. After all, the Word itself declares "'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV) Ephesians 3:20 speaks of a God who is "able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us." There are numerous Scriptures that speak to what God is able to do in and through His children.
But why is it that it seems that young people who have been in the Church, some for their lifetime, fall away from the Lord during their college years? What is it that keeps the "few" that continue to walk with the Lord on the proverbial "straight and narrow?"
I'll sum it up with one word, a word that can be found 245 times in the KJV of the New Testament according to christianbiblereference.org: FAITH. To put it in perspective, the word "love" only appears 179 times, according to the same reference.
Now, the thing about faith is "it comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God." (Romans 10:17b NKJV) The Bible does not advise that it comes by attending 54 meetings or services a year, being at church every time the doors are opened, or volunteering to feed the homeless or prison ministry.
We live in a culture that is overly concerned with what feels good or makes us happy. We overlook things that are vital for our health and survival, both spiritually and physically, in order to indulge in what gives us goosebumps. Unfortunately, this phenomenon has leaked into the Church as well. Service was "great" when the song service felt jubilant and the preached Word was entertaining. We look to the worship pastor to lead us in our favorite songs and the preacher to bring a Word we can shout to. Don't let the song service include a song we don't like (because we only sing the ones that we like, right?) or the preacher say something that cuts us where it hurts (because then we'll be obligated to write a letter and tell him our thoughts). It's all about ME ME ME and not HIM HIM HIM.
But I digress. Look, what we need to focus on is not the things I outlined in the last paragraph. Instead, as Christians, we need to develop a hunger for the Word. We need to learn the Word of God for ourselves, so that when the professors and peers declare that God is "anti-gay" and that the Bible "contradicts itself" and that Christians are all hypocrites, we not only have an answer for them, but it doesn't shake our faith, because our Faith is built on the solid rock of the Word. We won't feel insecure when challenging topics come up in lectures, and we'll understand and be confident in our God who is wiser than anyone we encounter on campus. When times are hard it won't be "quick, call the pastor to pray for me and tell me what to do" but rather, I know what God's Word says and I can speak the Word over my own situation. Because, after all, if you've grown up in the church physically I hope you have grown up in the church spiritually as well.
Now, if you realize that you've been churched for years and you're still an infant, don't despair! It's not too late. Open your Word. Choose a verse to memorize each week, read a Proverb each day, get on a Bible reading plan. Overindulge! You can't get too much good stuff when it comes to the Word. The Word brings life. It builds your faith, and allows you to see your God as He is...the God of Truth, the God of Love and the God Who Sustains You.
-eRiKa
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Dear Graduate
Dear Graduate,
Congratulations on your graduation! For some of you, just making it this far was a major accomplishment. For others, high school was just a speed bump on the road to the rest of your life. No matter what high school represented for you, graduation marks the end of a chapter in your life story.
When someone writes a book there is an expectation that one chapter will flow quite naturally into the next. In a chapter book you don’t expect a total cast change, a new plot, or new writing style from the chapter that preceded it. I am here to tell you that in the book of your life you are allowed to switch it up. You have my permission (and more importantly, God’s permission) to decide whether you want your next chapter to make a 180͒, 90͒, or any turn from the last one. Your new chapter doesn’t have to be conventional. “It is for freedom Christ has set [you] free.” (Gal 5:1 NIV)
You might find yourself in a place where you don’t know what you want to do in life. You may not know whether or not you want to further your education, which course of study you want to follow, what program to join, or what job to take. I am here to let you know that at your age, it is perfectly acceptable to not know! Don’t feel that you’ve got to fake knowing. But do know this: “[God] knows the plans He has for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, [plans] to give you a hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) He wants you to be successful. He wants you to thrive. He sent Jesus so that you could have abundant life- life far exceeding the best dreams your imagination can dream up. He doesn’t want you to just “make it.” He wants you to overcome!
That said, several of you are worried, even fearful, that you will miss God’s “call” or “plan” for your lives. Don’t worry about this any longer. God promises that He orders our steps. This implies that you have to take some steps if you want God to order them! He can’t do much with a person who refuses to move, because God never forces Himself on us. But if you are “moving,” you are giving your God something to work with! While you are taking a job that you think you might be interested in, He can make it clear to you while you are working whether it is His plan for you, or He can use the connections you make on that job to catapult you into the next step of your life. I can go on-and-on about this, but instead of belaboring the point I want to make sure you understand that the bottom line is that you have to DO SOMETHING. Doing “nothing” is not an option. Volunteer somewhere, join a missions team, study a language in a different country, go to college, get a job...just do SOMETHING! I do have to add a disclaimer here though: Let’s be practical; if you are expected by the parents/guardians who have been financially supporting you to start to pay your own bills, you will have to be realistic in your decisions. When someone else is supporting you financially, you do need their buy-in!
Make a Cast Change
What I’m about to tell you may shock you, and even break your heart. The people that have been in your life up to this point may not make it into future chapters of your life story. In fact, graduating high school is a great time to cut off relationships with people that you don’t want to continue with in life. Your best friend in high school may not be your best friend after high school. I have figured out something after having gone through several life changes over the last several years of my life: each time you change chapters in your life story, there will be new characters. It is natural for people to not have a falling out, but just move on! It need not be drama. Make new friends who have goals, work ethic, and a relationship with God who push you toward your purpose. Don’t keep friends only because you are comfortable around them. Staying in your comfort zone is a great way to guarantee that you won’t reach your potential in life! If you come from a healthy home environment, keep in mind that these people will be your supporting cast. They will show up in multiple chapters. Their roles may change. Learn to create healthy boundaries in your relationships to make sure that their roles are appropriate for the chapter you are in. I highly recommend the book “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
Refuse to Be Defined (by anyone other than your Creator)
You can be whomever you choose to be in this next chapter. You may have had a “reputation” in life up until now, but you don’t have to continue to be that person. For that matter, maybe you never were the person that people labeled you as! Don’t let labels that other people try to place on you become your reality, especially if they were wrong in the first place! I hate to hear people say things like “well, since people think I’m [insert your accusation here] then i might as well [insert fulfillment of their judgement here].” Stop! Don’t do that! Don’t give them, no matter who “they” are, the power to affect the rest of your life! You can decide what habits you want to break and work to reverse them in this chapter of your life. You can even pick up and relocate if it is necessary to escape the bondages of your past. It’s not running from your past if you right the wrongs and then move on! Whether it is literally “moving” or just allowing yourself to “move on” don’t be defined by your past mistakes. In reality, the mistakes that you have made and embarrassments you have experienced seem really huge right now. I promise you, they are not as major as they seem. It is an illusion! Take your cue from Elsa and “let it go!”. In the long term, people will forget what happened or what you did. You’re gonna make a lot of mistakes in life. Just keep it pushin. And remember that the way God feels about you will not change! He is still madly in love with you even when you err. And He promises that “as far as the east is from the west so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” (Ps 103:12 NIV) “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.” (Romans 8:1,2) Go, live your life in the freedom that God has extended to you. Don’t allow unhappy people to define who you are! God made you, and when He was done He admired His work. The New Living Translation of God’s Word (Eph 2:10) says this “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”
Go! Write the chapters of your life by actually living, not just watching others to see what they are doing. You will have an incredible story. Walk in freedom! Be encouraged, and enjoy the new chapter you have started.
Congratulations on your graduation! For some of you, just making it this far was a major accomplishment. For others, high school was just a speed bump on the road to the rest of your life. No matter what high school represented for you, graduation marks the end of a chapter in your life story.
When someone writes a book there is an expectation that one chapter will flow quite naturally into the next. In a chapter book you don’t expect a total cast change, a new plot, or new writing style from the chapter that preceded it. I am here to tell you that in the book of your life you are allowed to switch it up. You have my permission (and more importantly, God’s permission) to decide whether you want your next chapter to make a 180͒, 90͒, or any turn from the last one. Your new chapter doesn’t have to be conventional. “It is for freedom Christ has set [you] free.” (Gal 5:1 NIV)
You might find yourself in a place where you don’t know what you want to do in life. You may not know whether or not you want to further your education, which course of study you want to follow, what program to join, or what job to take. I am here to let you know that at your age, it is perfectly acceptable to not know! Don’t feel that you’ve got to fake knowing. But do know this: “[God] knows the plans He has for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, [plans] to give you a hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) He wants you to be successful. He wants you to thrive. He sent Jesus so that you could have abundant life- life far exceeding the best dreams your imagination can dream up. He doesn’t want you to just “make it.” He wants you to overcome!
That said, several of you are worried, even fearful, that you will miss God’s “call” or “plan” for your lives. Don’t worry about this any longer. God promises that He orders our steps. This implies that you have to take some steps if you want God to order them! He can’t do much with a person who refuses to move, because God never forces Himself on us. But if you are “moving,” you are giving your God something to work with! While you are taking a job that you think you might be interested in, He can make it clear to you while you are working whether it is His plan for you, or He can use the connections you make on that job to catapult you into the next step of your life. I can go on-and-on about this, but instead of belaboring the point I want to make sure you understand that the bottom line is that you have to DO SOMETHING. Doing “nothing” is not an option. Volunteer somewhere, join a missions team, study a language in a different country, go to college, get a job...just do SOMETHING! I do have to add a disclaimer here though: Let’s be practical; if you are expected by the parents/guardians who have been financially supporting you to start to pay your own bills, you will have to be realistic in your decisions. When someone else is supporting you financially, you do need their buy-in!
Make a Cast Change
What I’m about to tell you may shock you, and even break your heart. The people that have been in your life up to this point may not make it into future chapters of your life story. In fact, graduating high school is a great time to cut off relationships with people that you don’t want to continue with in life. Your best friend in high school may not be your best friend after high school. I have figured out something after having gone through several life changes over the last several years of my life: each time you change chapters in your life story, there will be new characters. It is natural for people to not have a falling out, but just move on! It need not be drama. Make new friends who have goals, work ethic, and a relationship with God who push you toward your purpose. Don’t keep friends only because you are comfortable around them. Staying in your comfort zone is a great way to guarantee that you won’t reach your potential in life! If you come from a healthy home environment, keep in mind that these people will be your supporting cast. They will show up in multiple chapters. Their roles may change. Learn to create healthy boundaries in your relationships to make sure that their roles are appropriate for the chapter you are in. I highly recommend the book “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
Refuse to Be Defined (by anyone other than your Creator)
You can be whomever you choose to be in this next chapter. You may have had a “reputation” in life up until now, but you don’t have to continue to be that person. For that matter, maybe you never were the person that people labeled you as! Don’t let labels that other people try to place on you become your reality, especially if they were wrong in the first place! I hate to hear people say things like “well, since people think I’m [insert your accusation here] then i might as well [insert fulfillment of their judgement here].” Stop! Don’t do that! Don’t give them, no matter who “they” are, the power to affect the rest of your life! You can decide what habits you want to break and work to reverse them in this chapter of your life. You can even pick up and relocate if it is necessary to escape the bondages of your past. It’s not running from your past if you right the wrongs and then move on! Whether it is literally “moving” or just allowing yourself to “move on” don’t be defined by your past mistakes. In reality, the mistakes that you have made and embarrassments you have experienced seem really huge right now. I promise you, they are not as major as they seem. It is an illusion! Take your cue from Elsa and “let it go!”. In the long term, people will forget what happened or what you did. You’re gonna make a lot of mistakes in life. Just keep it pushin. And remember that the way God feels about you will not change! He is still madly in love with you even when you err. And He promises that “as far as the east is from the west so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” (Ps 103:12 NIV) “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.” (Romans 8:1,2) Go, live your life in the freedom that God has extended to you. Don’t allow unhappy people to define who you are! God made you, and when He was done He admired His work. The New Living Translation of God’s Word (Eph 2:10) says this “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”
Go! Write the chapters of your life by actually living, not just watching others to see what they are doing. You will have an incredible story. Walk in freedom! Be encouraged, and enjoy the new chapter you have started.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
A year and a half? Seriously?!?
I can't believe it has been well over a year since my last blog. In many ways I have avoided blogging because I was not able to be "without pretense" in so many ways, but these things are being worked out in me on a daily basis.
The two biggest events in the last several months:
The death of my grandmother
And
The birth of my son.
They are almost opposites, birth and death, male and female, old and young. But it almost seems to reinforce in my mind the idea that THE ONLY THING CONSTANT IN MY LIFE IS CHANGE. So often people refer to the "circle of life" and I realize that to everything there is a season...just as Ecclesiastes says.
I don't even know that tonight I am going to say much other than this...at least now I have broken the silence. I'm still here, still without pretense...
The two biggest events in the last several months:
The death of my grandmother
And
The birth of my son.
They are almost opposites, birth and death, male and female, old and young. But it almost seems to reinforce in my mind the idea that THE ONLY THING CONSTANT IN MY LIFE IS CHANGE. So often people refer to the "circle of life" and I realize that to everything there is a season...just as Ecclesiastes says.
I don't even know that tonight I am going to say much other than this...at least now I have broken the silence. I'm still here, still without pretense...
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
It's been a long time...
Wow, I didn't realize it has been over 3 months since I've blogged?!?
I haven't been on in a while because there has been so much going on in my life...sometimes I knew that I just couldn't trust myself blogging, because my personality is to be completely honest, without pretense, and frankly there have been thoughts, emotions, etc. that I have had to process in the last several months that would not have been "appropriate" for posting.
And that in itself has caused a level of frustration for me. One of the hardest things to do is to not be true to oneself, and to an extent, as a "pastor," I at times have to do and say and NOT DO and NOT SAY things just because of the role that I fill, the title that I carry. But I'm working through it, and I'm learning to adjust.
Being unemployed has been weird. I thought it would mean more time in the week, but for the most part I have felt busier than I was before. I think I took on too much responsibility too quickly and other things that were completely unexpected resulted in a roller coaster experience over the last several months. On one hand, I got to FINALLY get out of the country, but then on the other my princess was struck with Bell's Palsy WHILE I was out of the country. It's now been almost 7 weeks since I have seen Aria's smile-the way it is supposed to be-because the left side of her face has been paralyzed. I don't know which is harder, when she smiles or when she cries...which leaves her with one eye open and no tears coming out of it. She's used to getting ointment put in her eye now every night, but I'm tired of the routine. But thank God, we HAVE seen progress; she seems to feel when she bites that side of her mouth now, so hopefully the rest will follow rather quickly.
And then there were the seizures. Thank God she's only had 2 which is considered "1 event" and the tests that she's had so far (blood tests, spinal tap, CT scan, EEG) have all given favorable results. God has given me strength to deal with it, and I recognize it as an attack from the enemy. Lately I have had to really fight through the memory of finding her on the concrete, not really sure if my child was going to be taken from me, but knowing that nonetheless, the devil wasn't gonna win the battle. Now, being able to sit and type and not shed a single tear I feel encouraged that God has heard my prayers and that I'm able to move on and no longer be tormented with flashbacks.
I'm glad now that we are almost settled into the Kaiser system. Losing my job ended up being a huge fiasco when it came down to losing my doctors, Aria's doctor, and my therapist. But God gave me the wherewithal to pull myself together and begin building the support system in my new life so that I could move on from the old. Aria has a wonderful doctor now, and I've found a doctor, started physical therapy for my lymphedema, and found a therapist too. They even offer classes or group therapy! I transferred our records from PAMF, and in a way, got closure in the process.
I will spend the next couple of weeks trying to find and implement the things that will help simplify life for me and my family, and eliminate some of the extra, unnecessary distractions. I need to establish some kind of work out routine (before I'm pregnant) and start going to bed at a decent hour, if nothing else!
Well, I'm done. I think it is time to log off the computer all together. I had a "successful" day, and now I deserve to relax (just reminding myself!).
;)eRiKa
I haven't been on in a while because there has been so much going on in my life...sometimes I knew that I just couldn't trust myself blogging, because my personality is to be completely honest, without pretense, and frankly there have been thoughts, emotions, etc. that I have had to process in the last several months that would not have been "appropriate" for posting.
And that in itself has caused a level of frustration for me. One of the hardest things to do is to not be true to oneself, and to an extent, as a "pastor," I at times have to do and say and NOT DO and NOT SAY things just because of the role that I fill, the title that I carry. But I'm working through it, and I'm learning to adjust.
Being unemployed has been weird. I thought it would mean more time in the week, but for the most part I have felt busier than I was before. I think I took on too much responsibility too quickly and other things that were completely unexpected resulted in a roller coaster experience over the last several months. On one hand, I got to FINALLY get out of the country, but then on the other my princess was struck with Bell's Palsy WHILE I was out of the country. It's now been almost 7 weeks since I have seen Aria's smile-the way it is supposed to be-because the left side of her face has been paralyzed. I don't know which is harder, when she smiles or when she cries...which leaves her with one eye open and no tears coming out of it. She's used to getting ointment put in her eye now every night, but I'm tired of the routine. But thank God, we HAVE seen progress; she seems to feel when she bites that side of her mouth now, so hopefully the rest will follow rather quickly.
And then there were the seizures. Thank God she's only had 2 which is considered "1 event" and the tests that she's had so far (blood tests, spinal tap, CT scan, EEG) have all given favorable results. God has given me strength to deal with it, and I recognize it as an attack from the enemy. Lately I have had to really fight through the memory of finding her on the concrete, not really sure if my child was going to be taken from me, but knowing that nonetheless, the devil wasn't gonna win the battle. Now, being able to sit and type and not shed a single tear I feel encouraged that God has heard my prayers and that I'm able to move on and no longer be tormented with flashbacks.
I'm glad now that we are almost settled into the Kaiser system. Losing my job ended up being a huge fiasco when it came down to losing my doctors, Aria's doctor, and my therapist. But God gave me the wherewithal to pull myself together and begin building the support system in my new life so that I could move on from the old. Aria has a wonderful doctor now, and I've found a doctor, started physical therapy for my lymphedema, and found a therapist too. They even offer classes or group therapy! I transferred our records from PAMF, and in a way, got closure in the process.
I will spend the next couple of weeks trying to find and implement the things that will help simplify life for me and my family, and eliminate some of the extra, unnecessary distractions. I need to establish some kind of work out routine (before I'm pregnant) and start going to bed at a decent hour, if nothing else!
Well, I'm done. I think it is time to log off the computer all together. I had a "successful" day, and now I deserve to relax (just reminding myself!).
;)eRiKa
Friday, February 19, 2010
Catharsis
Sometimes I wonder where this faith I have comes from. Right now I'm struggling. Really struggling. But the thing I hang on to is what God says...what His Word says will never return void and will accomplish what it was sent out for.
But it doesn't feel like that right now.
I'm having a hard time. Needless to say, the last several weeks have been weird if for no other reason than I am for the first time in my life "unemployed." No school. No job. Before I was laid off I was convinced this was a 100% good thing.
Now, I'm feeling the effects. And at the same time I'm going through a different transition; one I guess most people will not relate to. I'm weaning from my antidepressants that I've been on for the last year and a half.
And with that comes a lot of fear.
I've been feeling like I'm slipping emotionally. Like the progress I've made with skills and therapy and all that stuff is somehow going to go out of the window as I stop taking these meds. My therapist assures me that's not the case. I wish right now I believed her.
But God won't put more on me than I can bear.
That doesn't though, stop the feelings. The FEAR that I will become out of control. The fear that thoughts of ending my life might start to creep in again. God, that was a dark place, that I never ever want to be, and even the THOUGHT of feeling that way makes me second guess putting myself through the process.
Aria has been such a joy in my life. And especially now, all of the encouragement she gives me, especially at a time where I don't have anything to "show" as accomplishments. When I was a student, I had good grades. When I was an employee I had the commendation of a boss and a good salary. Now, I feel like I have a lot of critics, but not necessarily the benchmarks that I used before to prove to myself that I was a productive member of society. So often I can feel like a failure when little things go wrong (comes with being a perfectionist) but of course, like anyone, I have things go wrong on a consistent basis. Now I feel like I have additional people in my life to point out when those things go wrong. So not only can I get into beating myself up for things...I have other people who do it to.
The joy that Aria brings me makes me want to have another child. That's why I'm going through this weaning process...because we collectively as a family we say it's time.
I know one thing. That God, you're amazing. Because even as I type and ball my eyes out, I know I have hope that a whole lot of people don't have. That even though I feel knocked down, you always pick me up. Even when I feel beaten and bruised, you bandage my wounds.
I don't want to hide my life from the world. I need to be WITHOUT PRETENSE.
But it doesn't feel like that right now.
I'm having a hard time. Needless to say, the last several weeks have been weird if for no other reason than I am for the first time in my life "unemployed." No school. No job. Before I was laid off I was convinced this was a 100% good thing.
Now, I'm feeling the effects. And at the same time I'm going through a different transition; one I guess most people will not relate to. I'm weaning from my antidepressants that I've been on for the last year and a half.
And with that comes a lot of fear.
I've been feeling like I'm slipping emotionally. Like the progress I've made with skills and therapy and all that stuff is somehow going to go out of the window as I stop taking these meds. My therapist assures me that's not the case. I wish right now I believed her.
But God won't put more on me than I can bear.
That doesn't though, stop the feelings. The FEAR that I will become out of control. The fear that thoughts of ending my life might start to creep in again. God, that was a dark place, that I never ever want to be, and even the THOUGHT of feeling that way makes me second guess putting myself through the process.
Aria has been such a joy in my life. And especially now, all of the encouragement she gives me, especially at a time where I don't have anything to "show" as accomplishments. When I was a student, I had good grades. When I was an employee I had the commendation of a boss and a good salary. Now, I feel like I have a lot of critics, but not necessarily the benchmarks that I used before to prove to myself that I was a productive member of society. So often I can feel like a failure when little things go wrong (comes with being a perfectionist) but of course, like anyone, I have things go wrong on a consistent basis. Now I feel like I have additional people in my life to point out when those things go wrong. So not only can I get into beating myself up for things...I have other people who do it to.
The joy that Aria brings me makes me want to have another child. That's why I'm going through this weaning process...because we collectively as a family we say it's time.
I know one thing. That God, you're amazing. Because even as I type and ball my eyes out, I know I have hope that a whole lot of people don't have. That even though I feel knocked down, you always pick me up. Even when I feel beaten and bruised, you bandage my wounds.
I don't want to hide my life from the world. I need to be WITHOUT PRETENSE.
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