It's been a long time...

Wow, I didn't realize it has been over 3 months since I've blogged?!?

I haven't been on in a while because there has been so much going on in my life...sometimes I knew that I just couldn't trust myself blogging, because my personality is to be completely honest, without pretense, and frankly there have been thoughts, emotions, etc. that I have had to process in the last several months that would not have been "appropriate" for posting.

And that in itself has caused a level of frustration for me. One of the hardest things to do is to not be true to oneself, and to an extent, as a "pastor," I at times have to do and say and NOT DO and NOT SAY things just because of the role that I fill, the title that I carry. But I'm working through it, and I'm learning to adjust.

Being unemployed has been weird. I thought it would mean more time in the week, but for the most part I have felt busier than I was before. I think I took on too much responsibility too quickly and other things that were completely unexpected resulted in a roller coaster experience over the last several months. On one hand, I got to FINALLY get out of the country, but then on the other my princess was struck with Bell's Palsy WHILE I was out of the country. It's now been almost 7 weeks since I have seen Aria's smile-the way it is supposed to be-because the left side of her face has been paralyzed. I don't know which is harder, when she smiles or when she cries...which leaves her with one eye open and no tears coming out of it. She's used to getting ointment put in her eye now every night, but I'm tired of the routine. But thank God, we HAVE seen progress; she seems to feel when she bites that side of her mouth now, so hopefully the rest will follow rather quickly.

And then there were the seizures. Thank God she's only had 2 which is considered "1 event" and the tests that she's had so far (blood tests, spinal tap, CT scan, EEG) have all given favorable results. God has given me strength to deal with it, and I recognize it as an attack from the enemy. Lately I have had to really fight through the memory of finding her on the concrete, not really sure if my child was going to be taken from me, but knowing that nonetheless, the devil wasn't gonna win the battle. Now, being able to sit and type and not shed a single tear I feel encouraged that God has heard my prayers and that I'm able to move on and no longer be tormented with flashbacks.

I'm glad now that we are almost settled into the Kaiser system. Losing my job ended up being a huge fiasco when it came down to losing my doctors, Aria's doctor, and my therapist. But God gave me the wherewithal to pull myself together and begin building the support system in my new life so that I could move on from the old. Aria has a wonderful doctor now, and I've found a doctor, started physical therapy for my lymphedema, and found a therapist too. They even offer classes or group therapy! I transferred our records from PAMF, and in a way, got closure in the process.

I will spend the next couple of weeks trying to find and implement the things that will help simplify life for me and my family, and eliminate some of the extra, unnecessary distractions. I need to establish some kind of work out routine (before I'm pregnant) and start going to bed at a decent hour, if nothing else!

Well, I'm done. I think it is time to log off the computer all together. I had a "successful" day, and now I deserve to relax (just reminding myself!).

;)eRiKa