Flashbacks, and Snow Trip!

So much of the things we go through is rooted in things we have experienced in the past. We all wear googles of some sort, some even blinders. I think my near meltdown today was because I temporarily had the spectacles of my teenage years growing up in "the church" on.

So when I say near meltdown, I'm actually exaggerating. A LOT, now that I think of it...because I have had actual meltdowns in the past, and this was of maybe 1/100 of that magnitude.

So I should not call it a meltdown, but a fit of frustration.

The relevant info from the past: I grew up at the same church my whole life. So I had people in my life who "knew" who my parents were, "knew" my financial status, "knew" my academic accomplishments, "knew" who I hung out with, etc. They knew all these things, and they thought they "knew" me.

Wrong. Even my husband (then just another kid in my youth group who was intimidated by me, LMBO) had preconceived ideas about me that were way off.

I didn't feel this way whenever I got around people who didn't already "think" they knew me. Actually the two summers away from home when I was 16 and 17 were the best 4 months of my teenage life. I got to go into new situations being ERIKA and guess what...people liked me!!! When I went away to college...I found even more people who got to know me and liked me!

Anyway, so the point is sometimes people know things about you, or hear rumors from other people, and choose to believe those things without getting to know you. And in the past it always cast me in a negative light.

I've gotten over it...and now some of the people from the past are still in my life, and some aren't. Most have figured out by now that I am not the person they thought I was. LOL I rarely give any thought to it. Most of the time if I do it is a laughing matter.

Anyway, interacting with teenage girls as a youth pastor has been very, very rewarding in a lot of ways. I'm blessed and humbled that God would choose me and my hubby (as dysfunctional we have been in the past!) to minister to His kiddos.

But good Lord, today I felt like I had a flashback to the past! One or two people can start "rumors" (about me) that I don't know who's heard, or who hasn't heard, but enough people have that for some reason anything that kids don't like about the youth group or youth activities (or the lack thereof) is now being characterized as something I've done or a decision I've made to ruin their lives LOL...I'm putting extra on it, but I'm feeling dramatic right now ;) Other stuff has been said...and it's whatever...but I guess today I was frustrated because I'm thinking "Here I am trying to arrange for 2 days of snowboarding (on a 3.5 day snow trip that is less than 3 weeks away) for teenagers who all they are talking about right now is that they can't stay at the church between 1:30-8:30am on January 1st for a sleepover and that as a result of there not being a sleepover they might go out and party and somehow this is Pastor Erika's fault!?"

Ok, so I'm laughing for real. I don't mean that in a sarcastic way. It's amusing, now that I'm over it...but I understand what parents go through. You work hard and feed and clothe ur kids, etc. and then all they do is complain. And then they expect you to do extra! My prayers are with you parents out there.

So I'm gonna press through, and plan this Snow Trip! I'm looking forward to a good time. And if anyone acts up I'm gonna lock them out of their condo.

Parenthood...and the love of the Father

I love my daughter. More than I could've imagined. Being a parent (of a two year old, no less) has demonstrated (to me) God's love for us, his kids, better than any lesson I was taught in Sunday School.

There has never been a day when I thought "this child is getting on my nerves; I don't love her anymore." There have been some times when she really irked me, like when we were on vacation in San Diego and she wouldn't sleep at night (or in the day for that matter) and we ended up leaving our beautiful resort at 4am because we had given up on trying to get her to sleep. We left family camp early on a different trip, or even our weekend trip to Monterrey in the middle of the night because of Aria. Yeah, CP and I were disappointed, but if we could get through to "the child" she would have understood we were saying "Aria if you take your nap, you'll wake up and feel better. Not only that, we will take you to Disneyland (if ur a sweet baby!), or for ice cream, or something equally as spectacular for a kid.

There is something in a parent that makes them want to spoil their kids. Unfortunately sometimes the kid doesn't quite understand the "rewards" that come with the obedience. Whether 2 years old, a teenager, kid, or grownup, we have a Father who loves us more than we could ever imagine. He looks at us proud of his "baby" even when we're not doing right--but trying to tell us "Kiddo, just follow what I told you and you'll get out of your rut!" or "I have such great things I want you to see and do, but I need you to show me I can trust you with these things!"

The love of God is beyond our comprehension. God is for us--not against us. He is not a God who looks down on us to point out our wrongs, make us feel guilty or ashamed.

When Aria has an "owwie" I run to her, pick her up, kiss her wound (I would heal it too if I could) and let her know I'm sad when she's hurting.

So why is it when we're hurt and our Daddy God wants to scoop us up and lather on the love and healing (yes, He can do more than just kiss our wound)- we push Him away? We tell Him "no thanks I got this on my own" or "nah, I think I'll let my boo or bff take care of this one."

We reject the very one who can make it all better. Not always consciously...but as soon as we come to the awareness of what we've done we must rectify it and run back to the one who loves us sooooo much...

Taking Every Thought Captive

Today for some reason I feel a little bit in turmoil mentally. I feel like the reality of the battlefield of the mind, for the mind, etc. is literally taking place in my consciousness. Sometimes we are aware of it. A lot of the time, I noticed, people aren't.

I'm glad you were interested in taking this journey with me today.

So this battle right now comes down to a simple thing. Insecurity. Wow. Yep. I feel that a lot of the time I am a little more "secure" than a lot of women are, but really it has nothing to do with me as much as I am AWARE of the battle going on. What I'm saying is that I feel any and every woman, by the grace of God can have a greater state of security than those who are not in touch with the God who created them.

We are secure because #1 We know that we are created by God, #2 in His image, and #3 we were fearfully and wonderfully made. Like my hubby says...no one can be better at being "me" than I can! Our value is placed in these things. It has nothing to do with what one's job is (whether they have one or not?!?), how much money one has, how many friends one has, or how beautiful one is considered.

I do think there is so much female-on-female "crime" (I mean it figuratively) because we are very prone to comparing ourselves, hating on someone because they have something we want, we're jealous, etc. It makes me cringe just thinking about it. Men do it to; it's just more prevalent with woman, maybe because we're the ones who talk about it.

Anyway, I digress. So, today I feel 30% discouraged. But 70% of my thoughts combat that discouragement. If I had wallowed in it I could easily end up 50/50 or worse...but I am choosing to blog some of my affirmations that I will use.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
God made no mistake when he created me, nor does He make mistakes as He orders my steps.
I'm a good woman!
I'm a woman of God!
Though sometimes things are difficult and are a struggle God is faithful, and I'm an overcomer!
Things aren't always gonna be like this...
God has never left me, and he won't forsake me in the future.
He gives me the tools and the fortitude I need to accomplish that which He has for me.
He won't leave me hanging!
My marriage will be happier as the years go by.
My dog will stop pooping in the house one day!
Aria is only a 2 year old and her attitudes sometimes have NOTHING to do with me making any kind of mistake.
I have great friends who love me and care for me.
I am so blessed to know God.
I am so blessed to have coping skills such as using Affirmations!
I am feeling better already...
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I am valuable to God and to the church body.
No one can replace my contribution (of myself) to the world around me.
I will encourage myself, and I'm also blessed to have people around me who encourage me as well!
I am more than a conqueror.
My husband loves me.
Even though it isn't the same as when we first fell in love, it is a more mature love; we've been through some things together.
I can allow myself to make mistakes.
I can continue to be ME and God is pleased :)

Oooh...I feel a LOT better. Now I can continue about my afternoon! Be encouraged. Affirmations have a lot of power. Don't know where to start? Start with the Word of God!

Treading Water

Whoa. What a week. It's only Wednesday? I feel like today should be Friday. I am still at work and it's almost 7pm. Where do I start?

So, it's been a while since I've blogged. Reason? Well, for one, when in the midst of some serious stuff I cannot allow myself to blog...because I'm without pretense, remember? I had some crazy emotions, thoughts, etc. last week that had I blogged, ya'll would've been calling the police(this woman might just kill someone! LOL), the intercessors (actually I should've called them myself), my momma, and the senior pastors saying how the heck did ya'll let this woman be on the pastoral team?

Ok, all jokes aside; last week was kinda tumultuous. I think what it boils down to is CHANGE. A lot is changing in my life right now and in the near future. Actually a lot isn't presently changing, but when the curve ball was thrown at me of "hey you're only employed till the end of this year" I had to start planning AHEAD. I started to get too far ahead of myself I think. All of a sudden I'm attending psychology program open houses, thinking about financial aid and scholarships for school, planning for 2010 for H2O (the youth program), in addition to dealing with the news of my coworkers situations (one is on chemo and won't be back before we close down, another's spouse has stage 3 cancer and has to do chemo, so she's rarely gonna be around, waiting for my other beloved coworker to come back from maternity leave in another week, and then the "one" that I don't like is the one I'm with EVERY DAY!). Oh yeah, and then my responsibilities of being a mom, wife, part-time housekeeper (Charles is part-time housekeeper right now too), occassional chef, and DOG TRAINER (what the heck? I know...my husband is tired of the dog pooping on the fireplace) oh my....wait my incubation time is up in the lab. I'll be back after I finish this experiment...

Ok. Yeah, so I've decided that I'm gonna tread water for the next couple of months. I'm not going to swim to any "destination" right now, I'm just gonna do what I have to do to keep myself mentally, and physically above water. The interesting thing about this is it requires stepping up my game as far as my spiritual life. Gone are the days of not cracking open the Bible on a daily basis! Yeah, I said it...I haven't always opened my Bible on a daily basis! But God knows, I've got to. The tv, movies and other entertainment right now are put on pause for the most part until I can at least get to Hawaii! Oh thank God Hawaii is on the horizon. I won't say the dates because this is the internet (my house does have an alarm system and a very attentive neighbor). Meanwhile some of the more ambitious goals have to be put on back burner. And I'm okay with that. Master's program? Sure, just not starting in January. Maybe I'll take one psych class and maybe a Bible college class if my hubby takes one I'm interested in. It'll be nice to go to class together! I'm looking forward to treading water till the end of the 2009...and then, finally swimming to a new stage of life in 2010.

Lay offs

So, it is officially out that I will soon be laid off. November 30th MAY be my last date of employment by my present company.

I'm excited. God has been putting so many things in my heart over the last year. Having one door closed means that other doors will open, and I can't wait to see what is around the corner!

I think I want to get my Masters, maybe even PhD in adolescent or cultural psychology. Or something related. The great thing is now having this news I am free to be more transparent with my boss about the direction that I'd like to go. I've known since I took this job 5 years ago that while I LOVE my work as a chemist, it was only temporary.

What's next? I'm glad I've started blogging, so I'll keep you posted.

God is sovereign.

Stewardship

For some reason this has been on my mind today. In no way am I an extreme conservationist, but I figure I might as well make some lifestyle changes and small things that will help me be a better steward of this earth and its resources.

I'm trying to recycle, but gosh it's hard with a husband in the house LOL. I don't know if it's worth going back in the trash to sort it after the fact. I'm not there yet if it is. I like to carry reusable shopping bags. Part of this is because of "saving the earth" but the other is because God knows I hate to bust through plastic or paper shopping bags. They are never strong enough! And then they dig into your hand (the plastic ones, that is) when you are carrying them. And then when I've used them I always find myself collecting a whole bunch of them until I finally take them to the supermarket recycling bin.

I use CFL lightbulbs. Now that I'm typing, I realize a lot of these actions are because it is more convenient for me rather than for the earth's sake! CFLs last a lot longer than the "regular" bulbs. And sometimes their cheaper too. It's a win-win for me and the environment.

Junk faxes? I used to actually look at the faxes at my job that say "Trip to Jamaica for only $199" and then I realize they're all a bunch of rip-offs! So at work I find myself calling every "remove my fax number from the list" phone number listed on each one. At one point we used to have 10-20 of these faxes per day. Today's total? 2. And I called to remove the number from those two lists.

See, I'm a little random. Sometimes things might be serious issues; sometimes just things I'm thinking about that are not that deep. Then again, depth is a matter of perception. So maybe recycling is more deep than mental health.

Be free to be you.

Without Pretense

Oh wow, just having gone through this process of setting up my blog makes me feel better. It's one of those things that I've told myself I need to do, but just hadn't gotten around to it. Usually I figure I'll just wait till I get home and write a "note" on FB, but once i step in the door at my home i never know what is gonna come at me! There's so many responsibilities when I step into the house, I often don't get time to myself until late. And really, at that point I need to be winding down and getting ready for bed.

This way I can process some of the things that are running through my mind from anywhere, including work.

Having set up my blog is one of the many things that I woke up this morning and said I needed to do. The other big thing I did (in addition to my work LOL) was set up an appointment with a local therapist. Local to my job, that is. Part of my issue has been feeling rushed, too many places to be at a certain time; trying to rush from home to work, work to church, church to home to get the baby in the bed, etc.

I haven't had a therapist in months. Since the beginning of 2009. I think it's time to bring back some structure that makes me feel a little more secure. Hopefully she'll work out. She seemed cool on the phone.

I'm already knowing that some people will gasp at the idea of me seeing a therapist. I notice a lot of Christians like to say "just give it to Jesus" and other cliche's. I agree. Without giving everything to Jesus I couldn't make it. Jesus gives me hope that no therapist can ever give me. I also find myself in moments where all I can say is "Jesus I need you to help me right now" and no therapist, doctor, or program could ever take care of the issues that I am facing.

BUT, if a person has cancer, who tells them to skip their doctors visits and just pray about it? LOL

God is so awesome. I couldn't live this life without HIM. And I mean that literally. Without God I really would either be in prison, a psychiatric hospital or in hell. And God knows none of those places are where I would want to be.

In case you're nervous, I'm not gonna just blog about psychiatric problems! I think I'll just leave it open, to whatever I feel on any given day. As part of the reevaluating I'm doing in my life right now I have to take a step back from some things. My daughter has had a rough week. She's sleep deprived and therefore acting ugly. I can't have a child who's sleep deprived. I will need to step back and see what nights I need to stay home because "ministry" on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday nights, sometimes Saturday mornings and all day Sunday IN ADDITION to holding down my full time job, being a wife, mom, and a type A personality is starting to take it's toll.

I am not superwoman. I realized this last year about this time, and this is a good time to remind myself. I have limitations and responsibilities that I have to address in order to be the "whole woman" that I strive to be.

And God is faithful.