Abandonment, Relationships, and Self Care. Whew!

What a day. What a week. What a month. 2010 has already proved to be the growing year I expected. With growth often comes discomfort. I feel that God has stretched me every which way, even in just the first 32 days of this year.

I sit relieved. Knowing that the whole thing is God's plan. That though I have ideas about what I want, there is a Master Plan, with a very loving God shaping me, the people around me, the situations around me, and that I will never be abandoned in the process.

For some reason I feel like almost all of us deal with some sort of fear of abandonment. I wonder why I feel this way. I've never actually been abandoned. Actually I don't even think I've had friends depart ways with me that I wasn't happy to see them go! I guess I'm thinking of more emotional abandonment. Having a connection with someone, a shared experience, or something of that nature and then have that person betray you by sharing your secret or not talking to you or talking about you. Hmmm...I bet I've had that happen a time or two!

Relationships are so complex. I love my hubby. I sat watching The Bachelor tonight thinking about falling in love with CP all over again! It's just weird to me that God puts people together who don't understand one another on several levels. A lot of times I feel like we "miss" one another in our minds. Yeah, man and woman. We are from totally different planets. But we need one another. And our lives aren't complete without one another. Sometimes I wonder if I feel too strongly for my husband. It's that feeling like when you're falling in love and you feel scared! The feeling of vulnerability. The feeling of putting myself out there and will he love me even though I am an enigma to him (and most other people too!).

Wow, a lot of the dynamic of being married depends on faith, just like our walk with Christ does. That when he says he loves me, I don't second guess it. When it's scary to trust, I have to have faith that God watches over us both and will catch us if and when we fall. That when I'm letting go...I'm letting God.

I guess I've been feeling more emotional the last couple of days because I've actually entered a new phase of life. No more 9-5. Looking at the checkbook, without faith we'd be saying "Erika, you need to get a new job!" But we're not, and we both feel we're stepping into the right place for this season in our lives. I was so excited to suggest another kid instead of another job! ;) Anyway...we'll have to wait on that for a little while! Just a little while, Lord willing!

So I am trying to get settled in my new life. Trying to set reasonable boundaries and expectations for myself and my family. I had this list of things in my mind of things that I would accomplish when this day came. But now I'm telling myself to slow down in accomplishing the list. I have to learn to rest. Relax. SELF CARE. A part of my life that I learned is VERY important, that I often neglect. No more. I've made a conscious decisions to on most days have time where I do absolutely nothing except read a book, nap, or watch t.v. Maybe do a crossword. Or a puzzle. Hmmm...I need to find a good 1000 piece puzzle to work on!

Yes, I'm random. I'm learning to stop criticizing it and love how God made me. He didn't make a mistake on me; neither did he make a mistake on you. He smiles when he thinks of our idiosyncrasies. And thinks "that's MY kid!"