Wow, I didn't realize it has been over 3 months since I've blogged?!?
I haven't been on in a while because there has been so much going on in my life...sometimes I knew that I just couldn't trust myself blogging, because my personality is to be completely honest, without pretense, and frankly there have been thoughts, emotions, etc. that I have had to process in the last several months that would not have been "appropriate" for posting.
And that in itself has caused a level of frustration for me. One of the hardest things to do is to not be true to oneself, and to an extent, as a "pastor," I at times have to do and say and NOT DO and NOT SAY things just because of the role that I fill, the title that I carry. But I'm working through it, and I'm learning to adjust.
Being unemployed has been weird. I thought it would mean more time in the week, but for the most part I have felt busier than I was before. I think I took on too much responsibility too quickly and other things that were completely unexpected resulted in a roller coaster experience over the last several months. On one hand, I got to FINALLY get out of the country, but then on the other my princess was struck with Bell's Palsy WHILE I was out of the country. It's now been almost 7 weeks since I have seen Aria's smile-the way it is supposed to be-because the left side of her face has been paralyzed. I don't know which is harder, when she smiles or when she cries...which leaves her with one eye open and no tears coming out of it. She's used to getting ointment put in her eye now every night, but I'm tired of the routine. But thank God, we HAVE seen progress; she seems to feel when she bites that side of her mouth now, so hopefully the rest will follow rather quickly.
And then there were the seizures. Thank God she's only had 2 which is considered "1 event" and the tests that she's had so far (blood tests, spinal tap, CT scan, EEG) have all given favorable results. God has given me strength to deal with it, and I recognize it as an attack from the enemy. Lately I have had to really fight through the memory of finding her on the concrete, not really sure if my child was going to be taken from me, but knowing that nonetheless, the devil wasn't gonna win the battle. Now, being able to sit and type and not shed a single tear I feel encouraged that God has heard my prayers and that I'm able to move on and no longer be tormented with flashbacks.
I'm glad now that we are almost settled into the Kaiser system. Losing my job ended up being a huge fiasco when it came down to losing my doctors, Aria's doctor, and my therapist. But God gave me the wherewithal to pull myself together and begin building the support system in my new life so that I could move on from the old. Aria has a wonderful doctor now, and I've found a doctor, started physical therapy for my lymphedema, and found a therapist too. They even offer classes or group therapy! I transferred our records from PAMF, and in a way, got closure in the process.
I will spend the next couple of weeks trying to find and implement the things that will help simplify life for me and my family, and eliminate some of the extra, unnecessary distractions. I need to establish some kind of work out routine (before I'm pregnant) and start going to bed at a decent hour, if nothing else!
Well, I'm done. I think it is time to log off the computer all together. I had a "successful" day, and now I deserve to relax (just reminding myself!).
;)eRiKa
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Catharsis
Sometimes I wonder where this faith I have comes from. Right now I'm struggling. Really struggling. But the thing I hang on to is what God says...what His Word says will never return void and will accomplish what it was sent out for.
But it doesn't feel like that right now.
I'm having a hard time. Needless to say, the last several weeks have been weird if for no other reason than I am for the first time in my life "unemployed." No school. No job. Before I was laid off I was convinced this was a 100% good thing.
Now, I'm feeling the effects. And at the same time I'm going through a different transition; one I guess most people will not relate to. I'm weaning from my antidepressants that I've been on for the last year and a half.
And with that comes a lot of fear.
I've been feeling like I'm slipping emotionally. Like the progress I've made with skills and therapy and all that stuff is somehow going to go out of the window as I stop taking these meds. My therapist assures me that's not the case. I wish right now I believed her.
But God won't put more on me than I can bear.
That doesn't though, stop the feelings. The FEAR that I will become out of control. The fear that thoughts of ending my life might start to creep in again. God, that was a dark place, that I never ever want to be, and even the THOUGHT of feeling that way makes me second guess putting myself through the process.
Aria has been such a joy in my life. And especially now, all of the encouragement she gives me, especially at a time where I don't have anything to "show" as accomplishments. When I was a student, I had good grades. When I was an employee I had the commendation of a boss and a good salary. Now, I feel like I have a lot of critics, but not necessarily the benchmarks that I used before to prove to myself that I was a productive member of society. So often I can feel like a failure when little things go wrong (comes with being a perfectionist) but of course, like anyone, I have things go wrong on a consistent basis. Now I feel like I have additional people in my life to point out when those things go wrong. So not only can I get into beating myself up for things...I have other people who do it to.
The joy that Aria brings me makes me want to have another child. That's why I'm going through this weaning process...because we collectively as a family we say it's time.
I know one thing. That God, you're amazing. Because even as I type and ball my eyes out, I know I have hope that a whole lot of people don't have. That even though I feel knocked down, you always pick me up. Even when I feel beaten and bruised, you bandage my wounds.
I don't want to hide my life from the world. I need to be WITHOUT PRETENSE.
But it doesn't feel like that right now.
I'm having a hard time. Needless to say, the last several weeks have been weird if for no other reason than I am for the first time in my life "unemployed." No school. No job. Before I was laid off I was convinced this was a 100% good thing.
Now, I'm feeling the effects. And at the same time I'm going through a different transition; one I guess most people will not relate to. I'm weaning from my antidepressants that I've been on for the last year and a half.
And with that comes a lot of fear.
I've been feeling like I'm slipping emotionally. Like the progress I've made with skills and therapy and all that stuff is somehow going to go out of the window as I stop taking these meds. My therapist assures me that's not the case. I wish right now I believed her.
But God won't put more on me than I can bear.
That doesn't though, stop the feelings. The FEAR that I will become out of control. The fear that thoughts of ending my life might start to creep in again. God, that was a dark place, that I never ever want to be, and even the THOUGHT of feeling that way makes me second guess putting myself through the process.
Aria has been such a joy in my life. And especially now, all of the encouragement she gives me, especially at a time where I don't have anything to "show" as accomplishments. When I was a student, I had good grades. When I was an employee I had the commendation of a boss and a good salary. Now, I feel like I have a lot of critics, but not necessarily the benchmarks that I used before to prove to myself that I was a productive member of society. So often I can feel like a failure when little things go wrong (comes with being a perfectionist) but of course, like anyone, I have things go wrong on a consistent basis. Now I feel like I have additional people in my life to point out when those things go wrong. So not only can I get into beating myself up for things...I have other people who do it to.
The joy that Aria brings me makes me want to have another child. That's why I'm going through this weaning process...because we collectively as a family we say it's time.
I know one thing. That God, you're amazing. Because even as I type and ball my eyes out, I know I have hope that a whole lot of people don't have. That even though I feel knocked down, you always pick me up. Even when I feel beaten and bruised, you bandage my wounds.
I don't want to hide my life from the world. I need to be WITHOUT PRETENSE.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Abandonment, Relationships, and Self Care. Whew!
What a day. What a week. What a month. 2010 has already proved to be the growing year I expected. With growth often comes discomfort. I feel that God has stretched me every which way, even in just the first 32 days of this year.
I sit relieved. Knowing that the whole thing is God's plan. That though I have ideas about what I want, there is a Master Plan, with a very loving God shaping me, the people around me, the situations around me, and that I will never be abandoned in the process.
For some reason I feel like almost all of us deal with some sort of fear of abandonment. I wonder why I feel this way. I've never actually been abandoned. Actually I don't even think I've had friends depart ways with me that I wasn't happy to see them go! I guess I'm thinking of more emotional abandonment. Having a connection with someone, a shared experience, or something of that nature and then have that person betray you by sharing your secret or not talking to you or talking about you. Hmmm...I bet I've had that happen a time or two!
Relationships are so complex. I love my hubby. I sat watching The Bachelor tonight thinking about falling in love with CP all over again! It's just weird to me that God puts people together who don't understand one another on several levels. A lot of times I feel like we "miss" one another in our minds. Yeah, man and woman. We are from totally different planets. But we need one another. And our lives aren't complete without one another. Sometimes I wonder if I feel too strongly for my husband. It's that feeling like when you're falling in love and you feel scared! The feeling of vulnerability. The feeling of putting myself out there and will he love me even though I am an enigma to him (and most other people too!).
Wow, a lot of the dynamic of being married depends on faith, just like our walk with Christ does. That when he says he loves me, I don't second guess it. When it's scary to trust, I have to have faith that God watches over us both and will catch us if and when we fall. That when I'm letting go...I'm letting God.
I guess I've been feeling more emotional the last couple of days because I've actually entered a new phase of life. No more 9-5. Looking at the checkbook, without faith we'd be saying "Erika, you need to get a new job!" But we're not, and we both feel we're stepping into the right place for this season in our lives. I was so excited to suggest another kid instead of another job! ;) Anyway...we'll have to wait on that for a little while! Just a little while, Lord willing!
So I am trying to get settled in my new life. Trying to set reasonable boundaries and expectations for myself and my family. I had this list of things in my mind of things that I would accomplish when this day came. But now I'm telling myself to slow down in accomplishing the list. I have to learn to rest. Relax. SELF CARE. A part of my life that I learned is VERY important, that I often neglect. No more. I've made a conscious decisions to on most days have time where I do absolutely nothing except read a book, nap, or watch t.v. Maybe do a crossword. Or a puzzle. Hmmm...I need to find a good 1000 piece puzzle to work on!
Yes, I'm random. I'm learning to stop criticizing it and love how God made me. He didn't make a mistake on me; neither did he make a mistake on you. He smiles when he thinks of our idiosyncrasies. And thinks "that's MY kid!"
I sit relieved. Knowing that the whole thing is God's plan. That though I have ideas about what I want, there is a Master Plan, with a very loving God shaping me, the people around me, the situations around me, and that I will never be abandoned in the process.
For some reason I feel like almost all of us deal with some sort of fear of abandonment. I wonder why I feel this way. I've never actually been abandoned. Actually I don't even think I've had friends depart ways with me that I wasn't happy to see them go! I guess I'm thinking of more emotional abandonment. Having a connection with someone, a shared experience, or something of that nature and then have that person betray you by sharing your secret or not talking to you or talking about you. Hmmm...I bet I've had that happen a time or two!
Relationships are so complex. I love my hubby. I sat watching The Bachelor tonight thinking about falling in love with CP all over again! It's just weird to me that God puts people together who don't understand one another on several levels. A lot of times I feel like we "miss" one another in our minds. Yeah, man and woman. We are from totally different planets. But we need one another. And our lives aren't complete without one another. Sometimes I wonder if I feel too strongly for my husband. It's that feeling like when you're falling in love and you feel scared! The feeling of vulnerability. The feeling of putting myself out there and will he love me even though I am an enigma to him (and most other people too!).
Wow, a lot of the dynamic of being married depends on faith, just like our walk with Christ does. That when he says he loves me, I don't second guess it. When it's scary to trust, I have to have faith that God watches over us both and will catch us if and when we fall. That when I'm letting go...I'm letting God.
I guess I've been feeling more emotional the last couple of days because I've actually entered a new phase of life. No more 9-5. Looking at the checkbook, without faith we'd be saying "Erika, you need to get a new job!" But we're not, and we both feel we're stepping into the right place for this season in our lives. I was so excited to suggest another kid instead of another job! ;) Anyway...we'll have to wait on that for a little while! Just a little while, Lord willing!
So I am trying to get settled in my new life. Trying to set reasonable boundaries and expectations for myself and my family. I had this list of things in my mind of things that I would accomplish when this day came. But now I'm telling myself to slow down in accomplishing the list. I have to learn to rest. Relax. SELF CARE. A part of my life that I learned is VERY important, that I often neglect. No more. I've made a conscious decisions to on most days have time where I do absolutely nothing except read a book, nap, or watch t.v. Maybe do a crossword. Or a puzzle. Hmmm...I need to find a good 1000 piece puzzle to work on!
Yes, I'm random. I'm learning to stop criticizing it and love how God made me. He didn't make a mistake on me; neither did he make a mistake on you. He smiles when he thinks of our idiosyncrasies. And thinks "that's MY kid!"
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
2010 Already!?
Wow, I didn't realize that this is my first 2010 blog until just now. We're already 12 days into the first month...and a lot HAS NOT changed for me!
I'm referring to the fact that I'm still working, mostly. Finally the deal closed so that does mean I'm going to work no longer than January 30th. This whole thing is bittersweet. I've been so exhausted lately I'm looking forward to not having to get up and go to my scientist job. BUT, it is terribly sad packing up stuff and saying goodbyes. It would've been easier if everyone said goodbye and parted ways on the same day, but a few were let go on the way, and my 3 girlfriends were let go on December 31st. Another goodbye tomorrow...and then I along with a few others will be let go in the next couple of weeks.
I miss my colleague who is away having chemo terribly. She left in May and I haven't seen her since. We've communicated by email and text, and my boss and another coworker have seen her, but I haven't. While on chemo she has a supressed immune system, so even the others had to keep their distance. I pray for her constantly, for a quick recovery and for strength as she goes through this; but I am definately sad there will be no "PPD Biomarker Services" for her to return to when she's through all of this.
My husband now seems VERY excited that I won't be working. He's constantly talking about a new baby :) and making travel plans to youth conferences for us to attend. I'm blessed that he didn't ever seem to go through the "this is a disaster how are we ever gonna make it" phase after I told him about the impending job loss. Definately makes a difference knowing that GOD is our source and not PPD or anyone else.
We've had to make some other "difficult" decisions. Like short selling one of our properties in the ATL area. We shouldn't have moved as fast as we did to buy that one, and it's been vacant for too long. But knowing that soon it will be off of our "books" is a relief. Hopefully the whole process goes smoothly!
Well, Snow Trip is this weekend. I'm kinda nervous. I know it will be a great time, just like the jr high and sr high summer retreats. But none of us have ever snowboarded before. Hopefully we enjoy it! I heard it is kinda tricky...but I'm hoping that the kids give it a chance (or give themselves a chance) to learn and aren't too quick to give up.
I look forwarding to updating my blog once we're back. I look forward to having great stories to tell!
I'm referring to the fact that I'm still working, mostly. Finally the deal closed so that does mean I'm going to work no longer than January 30th. This whole thing is bittersweet. I've been so exhausted lately I'm looking forward to not having to get up and go to my scientist job. BUT, it is terribly sad packing up stuff and saying goodbyes. It would've been easier if everyone said goodbye and parted ways on the same day, but a few were let go on the way, and my 3 girlfriends were let go on December 31st. Another goodbye tomorrow...and then I along with a few others will be let go in the next couple of weeks.
I miss my colleague who is away having chemo terribly. She left in May and I haven't seen her since. We've communicated by email and text, and my boss and another coworker have seen her, but I haven't. While on chemo she has a supressed immune system, so even the others had to keep their distance. I pray for her constantly, for a quick recovery and for strength as she goes through this; but I am definately sad there will be no "PPD Biomarker Services" for her to return to when she's through all of this.
My husband now seems VERY excited that I won't be working. He's constantly talking about a new baby :) and making travel plans to youth conferences for us to attend. I'm blessed that he didn't ever seem to go through the "this is a disaster how are we ever gonna make it" phase after I told him about the impending job loss. Definately makes a difference knowing that GOD is our source and not PPD or anyone else.
We've had to make some other "difficult" decisions. Like short selling one of our properties in the ATL area. We shouldn't have moved as fast as we did to buy that one, and it's been vacant for too long. But knowing that soon it will be off of our "books" is a relief. Hopefully the whole process goes smoothly!
Well, Snow Trip is this weekend. I'm kinda nervous. I know it will be a great time, just like the jr high and sr high summer retreats. But none of us have ever snowboarded before. Hopefully we enjoy it! I heard it is kinda tricky...but I'm hoping that the kids give it a chance (or give themselves a chance) to learn and aren't too quick to give up.
I look forwarding to updating my blog once we're back. I look forward to having great stories to tell!
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