What Makes The Difference (How you will remain a Christian)

It's the end of May and young adults are graduating from High School.  It's a great accomplishment, rightfully filled with excitement and anticipation of what's to come.   Churches are having ceremonies celebrating the accomplishments and future plans of these young people and everyone has dreams of grandeur.  Potential seems, and is, endless for most.  After all, the Word itself declares "'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV)  Ephesians 3:20 speaks of a God who is "able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us." There are numerous Scriptures that speak to what God is able to do in and through His children.  

But why is it that it seems that young people who have been in the Church, some for their lifetime, fall away from the Lord during their college years?  What is it that keeps the "few" that continue to walk with the Lord on the proverbial "straight and narrow?"

I'll sum it up with one word, a word that can be found 245 times in the KJV of the New Testament according to christianbiblereference.org: FAITH.  To put it in perspective, the word "love" only appears 179 times, according to the same reference.  

Now, the thing about faith is "it comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God." (Romans 10:17b NKJV) The Bible does not advise that it comes by attending 54 meetings or services a year, being at church every time the doors are opened, or volunteering to feed the homeless or prison ministry.  

We live in a culture that is overly concerned with what feels good or makes us happy.  We overlook things that are vital for our health and survival, both spiritually and physically, in order to indulge in what gives us goosebumps.  Unfortunately, this phenomenon has leaked into the Church as well. Service was "great" when the song service felt jubilant and the preached Word was entertaining.  We look to the worship pastor to lead us in our favorite songs and the preacher to bring a Word we can shout to.  Don't let the song service include a song we don't like (because we only sing the ones that we like, right?)  or the preacher say something that cuts us where it hurts (because then we'll be obligated to write a letter and tell him our thoughts).  It's all about ME ME ME and not HIM HIM HIM.

But I digress.  Look, what we need to focus on is not the things I outlined in the last paragraph.  Instead, as Christians, we need to develop a hunger for the Word.  We need to learn the Word of God for ourselves, so that when the professors and peers declare that God is "anti-gay" and that the Bible "contradicts itself" and that Christians are all hypocrites, we not only have an answer for them, but it doesn't shake our faith, because our Faith is built on the solid rock of the Word.  We won't feel insecure when challenging topics come up in lectures, and we'll understand and be confident in our God who is wiser than anyone we encounter on campus.  When times are hard it won't be "quick, call the pastor to pray for me and tell me what to do" but rather, I know what God's Word says and I can speak the Word over my own situation.  Because, after all, if you've grown up in the church physically I hope you have grown up in the church spiritually as well.  

Now, if you realize that you've been churched for years and you're still an infant, don't despair!  It's not too late.  Open your Word.  Choose a verse to memorize each week, read a Proverb each day, get on a Bible reading plan.  Overindulge!  You can't get too much good stuff when it comes to the Word.  The Word brings life.  It builds your faith, and allows you to see your God as He is...the God of Truth, the God of Love and the God Who Sustains You.

-eRiKa

Dear Graduate

Dear Graduate,

Congratulations on your graduation! For some of you, just making it this far was a major accomplishment. For others, high school was just a speed bump on the road to the rest of your life. No matter what high school represented for you, graduation marks the end of a chapter in your life story.

When someone writes a book there is an expectation that one chapter will flow quite naturally into the next. In a chapter book you don’t expect a total cast change, a new plot, or new writing style from the chapter that preceded it. I am here to tell you that in the book of your life you are allowed to switch it up. You have my permission (and more importantly, God’s permission) to decide whether you want your next chapter to make a 180͒, 90͒, or any turn from the last one. Your new chapter doesn’t have to be conventional. “It is for freedom Christ has set [you] free.” (Gal 5:1 NIV)

 You might find yourself in a place where you don’t know what you want to do in life. You may not know whether or not you want to further your education, which course of study you want to follow, what program to join, or what job to take. I am here to let you know that at your age, it is perfectly acceptable to not know! Don’t feel that you’ve got to fake knowing. But do know this: “[God] knows the plans He has for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, [plans] to give you a hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) He wants you to be successful. He wants you to thrive. He sent Jesus so that you could have abundant life- life far exceeding the best dreams your imagination can dream up. He doesn’t want you to just “make it.” He wants you to overcome!

That said, several of you are worried, even fearful, that you will miss God’s “call” or “plan” for your lives. Don’t worry about this any longer. God promises that He orders our steps. This implies that you have to take some steps if you want God to order them! He can’t do much with a person who refuses to move, because God never forces Himself on us. But if you are “moving,” you are giving your God something to work with! While you are taking a job that you think you might be interested in, He can make it clear to you while you are working whether it is His plan for you, or He can use the connections you make on that job to catapult you into the next step of your life. I can go on-and-on about this, but instead of belaboring the point I want to make sure you understand that the bottom line is that you have to DO SOMETHING. Doing “nothing” is not an option. Volunteer somewhere, join a missions team, study a language in a different country, go to college, get a job...just do SOMETHING! I do have to add a disclaimer here though: Let’s be practical; if you are expected by the parents/guardians who have been financially supporting you to start to pay your own bills, you will have to be realistic in your decisions. When someone else is supporting you financially, you do need their buy-in!

Make a Cast Change

What I’m about to tell you may shock you, and even break your heart. The people that have been in your life up to this point may not make it into future chapters of your life story. In fact, graduating high school is a great time to cut off relationships with people that you don’t want to continue with in life. Your best friend in high school may not be your best friend after high school. I have figured out something after having gone through several life changes over the last several years of my life: each time you change chapters in your life story, there will be new characters. It is natural for people to not have a falling out, but just move on! It need not be drama. Make new friends who have goals, work ethic, and a relationship with God who push you toward your purpose. Don’t keep friends only because you are comfortable around them. Staying in your comfort zone is a great way to guarantee that you won’t reach your potential in life! If you come from a healthy home environment, keep in mind that these people will be your supporting cast. They will show up in multiple chapters. Their roles may change. Learn to create healthy boundaries in your relationships to make sure that their roles are appropriate for the chapter you are in. I highly recommend the book “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

Refuse to Be Defined (by anyone other than your Creator) 

You can be whomever you choose to be in this next chapter. You may have had a “reputation” in life up until now, but you don’t have to continue to be that person. For that matter, maybe you never were the person that people labeled you as! Don’t let labels that other people try to place on you become your reality, especially if they were wrong in the first place! I hate to hear people say things like “well, since people think I’m [insert your accusation here] then i might as well [insert fulfillment of their judgement here].” Stop! Don’t do that! Don’t give them, no matter who “they” are, the power to affect the rest of your life! You can decide what habits you want to break and work to reverse them in this chapter of your life. You can even pick up and relocate if it is necessary to escape the bondages of your past. It’s not running from your past if you right the wrongs and then move on! Whether it is literally “moving” or just allowing yourself to “move on” don’t be defined by your past mistakes. In reality, the mistakes that you have made and embarrassments you have experienced seem really huge right now. I promise you, they are not as major as they seem. It is an illusion! Take your cue from Elsa and “let it go!”. In the long term, people will forget what happened or what you did. You’re gonna make a lot of mistakes in life. Just keep it pushin. And remember that the way God feels about you will not change! He is still madly in love with you even when you err. And He promises that “as far as the east is from the west so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” (Ps 103:12 NIV) “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.” (Romans 8:1,2) Go, live your life in the freedom that God has extended to you. Don’t allow unhappy people to define who you are! God made you, and when He was done He admired His work. The New Living Translation of God’s Word (Eph 2:10) says this “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”

Go! Write the chapters of your life by actually living, not just watching others to see what they are doing. You will have an incredible story. Walk in freedom! Be encouraged, and enjoy the new chapter you have started.

A year and a half? Seriously?!?

I can't believe it has been well over a year since my last blog. In many ways I have avoided blogging because I was not able to be "without pretense" in so many ways, but these things are being worked out in me on a daily basis.

The two biggest events in the last several months:

The death of my grandmother

And

The birth of my son.

They are almost opposites, birth and death, male and female, old and young. But it almost seems to reinforce in my mind the idea that THE ONLY THING CONSTANT IN MY LIFE IS CHANGE. So often people refer to the "circle of life" and I realize that to everything there is a season...just as Ecclesiastes says.

I don't even know that tonight I am going to say much other than this...at least now I have broken the silence. I'm still here, still without pretense...

It's been a long time...

Wow, I didn't realize it has been over 3 months since I've blogged?!?

I haven't been on in a while because there has been so much going on in my life...sometimes I knew that I just couldn't trust myself blogging, because my personality is to be completely honest, without pretense, and frankly there have been thoughts, emotions, etc. that I have had to process in the last several months that would not have been "appropriate" for posting.

And that in itself has caused a level of frustration for me. One of the hardest things to do is to not be true to oneself, and to an extent, as a "pastor," I at times have to do and say and NOT DO and NOT SAY things just because of the role that I fill, the title that I carry. But I'm working through it, and I'm learning to adjust.

Being unemployed has been weird. I thought it would mean more time in the week, but for the most part I have felt busier than I was before. I think I took on too much responsibility too quickly and other things that were completely unexpected resulted in a roller coaster experience over the last several months. On one hand, I got to FINALLY get out of the country, but then on the other my princess was struck with Bell's Palsy WHILE I was out of the country. It's now been almost 7 weeks since I have seen Aria's smile-the way it is supposed to be-because the left side of her face has been paralyzed. I don't know which is harder, when she smiles or when she cries...which leaves her with one eye open and no tears coming out of it. She's used to getting ointment put in her eye now every night, but I'm tired of the routine. But thank God, we HAVE seen progress; she seems to feel when she bites that side of her mouth now, so hopefully the rest will follow rather quickly.

And then there were the seizures. Thank God she's only had 2 which is considered "1 event" and the tests that she's had so far (blood tests, spinal tap, CT scan, EEG) have all given favorable results. God has given me strength to deal with it, and I recognize it as an attack from the enemy. Lately I have had to really fight through the memory of finding her on the concrete, not really sure if my child was going to be taken from me, but knowing that nonetheless, the devil wasn't gonna win the battle. Now, being able to sit and type and not shed a single tear I feel encouraged that God has heard my prayers and that I'm able to move on and no longer be tormented with flashbacks.

I'm glad now that we are almost settled into the Kaiser system. Losing my job ended up being a huge fiasco when it came down to losing my doctors, Aria's doctor, and my therapist. But God gave me the wherewithal to pull myself together and begin building the support system in my new life so that I could move on from the old. Aria has a wonderful doctor now, and I've found a doctor, started physical therapy for my lymphedema, and found a therapist too. They even offer classes or group therapy! I transferred our records from PAMF, and in a way, got closure in the process.

I will spend the next couple of weeks trying to find and implement the things that will help simplify life for me and my family, and eliminate some of the extra, unnecessary distractions. I need to establish some kind of work out routine (before I'm pregnant) and start going to bed at a decent hour, if nothing else!

Well, I'm done. I think it is time to log off the computer all together. I had a "successful" day, and now I deserve to relax (just reminding myself!).

;)eRiKa

Catharsis

Sometimes I wonder where this faith I have comes from. Right now I'm struggling. Really struggling. But the thing I hang on to is what God says...what His Word says will never return void and will accomplish what it was sent out for.

But it doesn't feel like that right now.

I'm having a hard time. Needless to say, the last several weeks have been weird if for no other reason than I am for the first time in my life "unemployed." No school. No job. Before I was laid off I was convinced this was a 100% good thing.

Now, I'm feeling the effects. And at the same time I'm going through a different transition; one I guess most people will not relate to. I'm weaning from my antidepressants that I've been on for the last year and a half.

And with that comes a lot of fear.

I've been feeling like I'm slipping emotionally. Like the progress I've made with skills and therapy and all that stuff is somehow going to go out of the window as I stop taking these meds. My therapist assures me that's not the case. I wish right now I believed her.

But God won't put more on me than I can bear.

That doesn't though, stop the feelings. The FEAR that I will become out of control. The fear that thoughts of ending my life might start to creep in again. God, that was a dark place, that I never ever want to be, and even the THOUGHT of feeling that way makes me second guess putting myself through the process.

Aria has been such a joy in my life. And especially now, all of the encouragement she gives me, especially at a time where I don't have anything to "show" as accomplishments. When I was a student, I had good grades. When I was an employee I had the commendation of a boss and a good salary. Now, I feel like I have a lot of critics, but not necessarily the benchmarks that I used before to prove to myself that I was a productive member of society. So often I can feel like a failure when little things go wrong (comes with being a perfectionist) but of course, like anyone, I have things go wrong on a consistent basis. Now I feel like I have additional people in my life to point out when those things go wrong. So not only can I get into beating myself up for things...I have other people who do it to.

The joy that Aria brings me makes me want to have another child. That's why I'm going through this weaning process...because we collectively as a family we say it's time.

I know one thing. That God, you're amazing. Because even as I type and ball my eyes out, I know I have hope that a whole lot of people don't have. That even though I feel knocked down, you always pick me up. Even when I feel beaten and bruised, you bandage my wounds.

I don't want to hide my life from the world. I need to be WITHOUT PRETENSE.

Abandonment, Relationships, and Self Care. Whew!

What a day. What a week. What a month. 2010 has already proved to be the growing year I expected. With growth often comes discomfort. I feel that God has stretched me every which way, even in just the first 32 days of this year.

I sit relieved. Knowing that the whole thing is God's plan. That though I have ideas about what I want, there is a Master Plan, with a very loving God shaping me, the people around me, the situations around me, and that I will never be abandoned in the process.

For some reason I feel like almost all of us deal with some sort of fear of abandonment. I wonder why I feel this way. I've never actually been abandoned. Actually I don't even think I've had friends depart ways with me that I wasn't happy to see them go! I guess I'm thinking of more emotional abandonment. Having a connection with someone, a shared experience, or something of that nature and then have that person betray you by sharing your secret or not talking to you or talking about you. Hmmm...I bet I've had that happen a time or two!

Relationships are so complex. I love my hubby. I sat watching The Bachelor tonight thinking about falling in love with CP all over again! It's just weird to me that God puts people together who don't understand one another on several levels. A lot of times I feel like we "miss" one another in our minds. Yeah, man and woman. We are from totally different planets. But we need one another. And our lives aren't complete without one another. Sometimes I wonder if I feel too strongly for my husband. It's that feeling like when you're falling in love and you feel scared! The feeling of vulnerability. The feeling of putting myself out there and will he love me even though I am an enigma to him (and most other people too!).

Wow, a lot of the dynamic of being married depends on faith, just like our walk with Christ does. That when he says he loves me, I don't second guess it. When it's scary to trust, I have to have faith that God watches over us both and will catch us if and when we fall. That when I'm letting go...I'm letting God.

I guess I've been feeling more emotional the last couple of days because I've actually entered a new phase of life. No more 9-5. Looking at the checkbook, without faith we'd be saying "Erika, you need to get a new job!" But we're not, and we both feel we're stepping into the right place for this season in our lives. I was so excited to suggest another kid instead of another job! ;) Anyway...we'll have to wait on that for a little while! Just a little while, Lord willing!

So I am trying to get settled in my new life. Trying to set reasonable boundaries and expectations for myself and my family. I had this list of things in my mind of things that I would accomplish when this day came. But now I'm telling myself to slow down in accomplishing the list. I have to learn to rest. Relax. SELF CARE. A part of my life that I learned is VERY important, that I often neglect. No more. I've made a conscious decisions to on most days have time where I do absolutely nothing except read a book, nap, or watch t.v. Maybe do a crossword. Or a puzzle. Hmmm...I need to find a good 1000 piece puzzle to work on!

Yes, I'm random. I'm learning to stop criticizing it and love how God made me. He didn't make a mistake on me; neither did he make a mistake on you. He smiles when he thinks of our idiosyncrasies. And thinks "that's MY kid!"

2010 Already!?

Wow, I didn't realize that this is my first 2010 blog until just now. We're already 12 days into the first month...and a lot HAS NOT changed for me!

I'm referring to the fact that I'm still working, mostly. Finally the deal closed so that does mean I'm going to work no longer than January 30th. This whole thing is bittersweet. I've been so exhausted lately I'm looking forward to not having to get up and go to my scientist job. BUT, it is terribly sad packing up stuff and saying goodbyes. It would've been easier if everyone said goodbye and parted ways on the same day, but a few were let go on the way, and my 3 girlfriends were let go on December 31st. Another goodbye tomorrow...and then I along with a few others will be let go in the next couple of weeks.

I miss my colleague who is away having chemo terribly. She left in May and I haven't seen her since. We've communicated by email and text, and my boss and another coworker have seen her, but I haven't. While on chemo she has a supressed immune system, so even the others had to keep their distance. I pray for her constantly, for a quick recovery and for strength as she goes through this; but I am definately sad there will be no "PPD Biomarker Services" for her to return to when she's through all of this.

My husband now seems VERY excited that I won't be working. He's constantly talking about a new baby :) and making travel plans to youth conferences for us to attend. I'm blessed that he didn't ever seem to go through the "this is a disaster how are we ever gonna make it" phase after I told him about the impending job loss. Definately makes a difference knowing that GOD is our source and not PPD or anyone else.

We've had to make some other "difficult" decisions. Like short selling one of our properties in the ATL area. We shouldn't have moved as fast as we did to buy that one, and it's been vacant for too long. But knowing that soon it will be off of our "books" is a relief. Hopefully the whole process goes smoothly!

Well, Snow Trip is this weekend. I'm kinda nervous. I know it will be a great time, just like the jr high and sr high summer retreats. But none of us have ever snowboarded before. Hopefully we enjoy it! I heard it is kinda tricky...but I'm hoping that the kids give it a chance (or give themselves a chance) to learn and aren't too quick to give up.

I look forwarding to updating my blog once we're back. I look forward to having great stories to tell!