I can't believe it has been well over a year since my last blog. In many ways I have avoided blogging because I was not able to be "without pretense" in so many ways, but these things are being worked out in me on a daily basis.
The two biggest events in the last several months:
The death of my grandmother
And
The birth of my son.
They are almost opposites, birth and death, male and female, old and young. But it almost seems to reinforce in my mind the idea that THE ONLY THING CONSTANT IN MY LIFE IS CHANGE. So often people refer to the "circle of life" and I realize that to everything there is a season...just as Ecclesiastes says.
I don't even know that tonight I am going to say much other than this...at least now I have broken the silence. I'm still here, still without pretense...
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
It's been a long time...
Wow, I didn't realize it has been over 3 months since I've blogged?!?
I haven't been on in a while because there has been so much going on in my life...sometimes I knew that I just couldn't trust myself blogging, because my personality is to be completely honest, without pretense, and frankly there have been thoughts, emotions, etc. that I have had to process in the last several months that would not have been "appropriate" for posting.
And that in itself has caused a level of frustration for me. One of the hardest things to do is to not be true to oneself, and to an extent, as a "pastor," I at times have to do and say and NOT DO and NOT SAY things just because of the role that I fill, the title that I carry. But I'm working through it, and I'm learning to adjust.
Being unemployed has been weird. I thought it would mean more time in the week, but for the most part I have felt busier than I was before. I think I took on too much responsibility too quickly and other things that were completely unexpected resulted in a roller coaster experience over the last several months. On one hand, I got to FINALLY get out of the country, but then on the other my princess was struck with Bell's Palsy WHILE I was out of the country. It's now been almost 7 weeks since I have seen Aria's smile-the way it is supposed to be-because the left side of her face has been paralyzed. I don't know which is harder, when she smiles or when she cries...which leaves her with one eye open and no tears coming out of it. She's used to getting ointment put in her eye now every night, but I'm tired of the routine. But thank God, we HAVE seen progress; she seems to feel when she bites that side of her mouth now, so hopefully the rest will follow rather quickly.
And then there were the seizures. Thank God she's only had 2 which is considered "1 event" and the tests that she's had so far (blood tests, spinal tap, CT scan, EEG) have all given favorable results. God has given me strength to deal with it, and I recognize it as an attack from the enemy. Lately I have had to really fight through the memory of finding her on the concrete, not really sure if my child was going to be taken from me, but knowing that nonetheless, the devil wasn't gonna win the battle. Now, being able to sit and type and not shed a single tear I feel encouraged that God has heard my prayers and that I'm able to move on and no longer be tormented with flashbacks.
I'm glad now that we are almost settled into the Kaiser system. Losing my job ended up being a huge fiasco when it came down to losing my doctors, Aria's doctor, and my therapist. But God gave me the wherewithal to pull myself together and begin building the support system in my new life so that I could move on from the old. Aria has a wonderful doctor now, and I've found a doctor, started physical therapy for my lymphedema, and found a therapist too. They even offer classes or group therapy! I transferred our records from PAMF, and in a way, got closure in the process.
I will spend the next couple of weeks trying to find and implement the things that will help simplify life for me and my family, and eliminate some of the extra, unnecessary distractions. I need to establish some kind of work out routine (before I'm pregnant) and start going to bed at a decent hour, if nothing else!
Well, I'm done. I think it is time to log off the computer all together. I had a "successful" day, and now I deserve to relax (just reminding myself!).
;)eRiKa
I haven't been on in a while because there has been so much going on in my life...sometimes I knew that I just couldn't trust myself blogging, because my personality is to be completely honest, without pretense, and frankly there have been thoughts, emotions, etc. that I have had to process in the last several months that would not have been "appropriate" for posting.
And that in itself has caused a level of frustration for me. One of the hardest things to do is to not be true to oneself, and to an extent, as a "pastor," I at times have to do and say and NOT DO and NOT SAY things just because of the role that I fill, the title that I carry. But I'm working through it, and I'm learning to adjust.
Being unemployed has been weird. I thought it would mean more time in the week, but for the most part I have felt busier than I was before. I think I took on too much responsibility too quickly and other things that were completely unexpected resulted in a roller coaster experience over the last several months. On one hand, I got to FINALLY get out of the country, but then on the other my princess was struck with Bell's Palsy WHILE I was out of the country. It's now been almost 7 weeks since I have seen Aria's smile-the way it is supposed to be-because the left side of her face has been paralyzed. I don't know which is harder, when she smiles or when she cries...which leaves her with one eye open and no tears coming out of it. She's used to getting ointment put in her eye now every night, but I'm tired of the routine. But thank God, we HAVE seen progress; she seems to feel when she bites that side of her mouth now, so hopefully the rest will follow rather quickly.
And then there were the seizures. Thank God she's only had 2 which is considered "1 event" and the tests that she's had so far (blood tests, spinal tap, CT scan, EEG) have all given favorable results. God has given me strength to deal with it, and I recognize it as an attack from the enemy. Lately I have had to really fight through the memory of finding her on the concrete, not really sure if my child was going to be taken from me, but knowing that nonetheless, the devil wasn't gonna win the battle. Now, being able to sit and type and not shed a single tear I feel encouraged that God has heard my prayers and that I'm able to move on and no longer be tormented with flashbacks.
I'm glad now that we are almost settled into the Kaiser system. Losing my job ended up being a huge fiasco when it came down to losing my doctors, Aria's doctor, and my therapist. But God gave me the wherewithal to pull myself together and begin building the support system in my new life so that I could move on from the old. Aria has a wonderful doctor now, and I've found a doctor, started physical therapy for my lymphedema, and found a therapist too. They even offer classes or group therapy! I transferred our records from PAMF, and in a way, got closure in the process.
I will spend the next couple of weeks trying to find and implement the things that will help simplify life for me and my family, and eliminate some of the extra, unnecessary distractions. I need to establish some kind of work out routine (before I'm pregnant) and start going to bed at a decent hour, if nothing else!
Well, I'm done. I think it is time to log off the computer all together. I had a "successful" day, and now I deserve to relax (just reminding myself!).
;)eRiKa
Friday, February 19, 2010
Catharsis
Sometimes I wonder where this faith I have comes from. Right now I'm struggling. Really struggling. But the thing I hang on to is what God says...what His Word says will never return void and will accomplish what it was sent out for.
But it doesn't feel like that right now.
I'm having a hard time. Needless to say, the last several weeks have been weird if for no other reason than I am for the first time in my life "unemployed." No school. No job. Before I was laid off I was convinced this was a 100% good thing.
Now, I'm feeling the effects. And at the same time I'm going through a different transition; one I guess most people will not relate to. I'm weaning from my antidepressants that I've been on for the last year and a half.
And with that comes a lot of fear.
I've been feeling like I'm slipping emotionally. Like the progress I've made with skills and therapy and all that stuff is somehow going to go out of the window as I stop taking these meds. My therapist assures me that's not the case. I wish right now I believed her.
But God won't put more on me than I can bear.
That doesn't though, stop the feelings. The FEAR that I will become out of control. The fear that thoughts of ending my life might start to creep in again. God, that was a dark place, that I never ever want to be, and even the THOUGHT of feeling that way makes me second guess putting myself through the process.
Aria has been such a joy in my life. And especially now, all of the encouragement she gives me, especially at a time where I don't have anything to "show" as accomplishments. When I was a student, I had good grades. When I was an employee I had the commendation of a boss and a good salary. Now, I feel like I have a lot of critics, but not necessarily the benchmarks that I used before to prove to myself that I was a productive member of society. So often I can feel like a failure when little things go wrong (comes with being a perfectionist) but of course, like anyone, I have things go wrong on a consistent basis. Now I feel like I have additional people in my life to point out when those things go wrong. So not only can I get into beating myself up for things...I have other people who do it to.
The joy that Aria brings me makes me want to have another child. That's why I'm going through this weaning process...because we collectively as a family we say it's time.
I know one thing. That God, you're amazing. Because even as I type and ball my eyes out, I know I have hope that a whole lot of people don't have. That even though I feel knocked down, you always pick me up. Even when I feel beaten and bruised, you bandage my wounds.
I don't want to hide my life from the world. I need to be WITHOUT PRETENSE.
But it doesn't feel like that right now.
I'm having a hard time. Needless to say, the last several weeks have been weird if for no other reason than I am for the first time in my life "unemployed." No school. No job. Before I was laid off I was convinced this was a 100% good thing.
Now, I'm feeling the effects. And at the same time I'm going through a different transition; one I guess most people will not relate to. I'm weaning from my antidepressants that I've been on for the last year and a half.
And with that comes a lot of fear.
I've been feeling like I'm slipping emotionally. Like the progress I've made with skills and therapy and all that stuff is somehow going to go out of the window as I stop taking these meds. My therapist assures me that's not the case. I wish right now I believed her.
But God won't put more on me than I can bear.
That doesn't though, stop the feelings. The FEAR that I will become out of control. The fear that thoughts of ending my life might start to creep in again. God, that was a dark place, that I never ever want to be, and even the THOUGHT of feeling that way makes me second guess putting myself through the process.
Aria has been such a joy in my life. And especially now, all of the encouragement she gives me, especially at a time where I don't have anything to "show" as accomplishments. When I was a student, I had good grades. When I was an employee I had the commendation of a boss and a good salary. Now, I feel like I have a lot of critics, but not necessarily the benchmarks that I used before to prove to myself that I was a productive member of society. So often I can feel like a failure when little things go wrong (comes with being a perfectionist) but of course, like anyone, I have things go wrong on a consistent basis. Now I feel like I have additional people in my life to point out when those things go wrong. So not only can I get into beating myself up for things...I have other people who do it to.
The joy that Aria brings me makes me want to have another child. That's why I'm going through this weaning process...because we collectively as a family we say it's time.
I know one thing. That God, you're amazing. Because even as I type and ball my eyes out, I know I have hope that a whole lot of people don't have. That even though I feel knocked down, you always pick me up. Even when I feel beaten and bruised, you bandage my wounds.
I don't want to hide my life from the world. I need to be WITHOUT PRETENSE.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Abandonment, Relationships, and Self Care. Whew!
What a day. What a week. What a month. 2010 has already proved to be the growing year I expected. With growth often comes discomfort. I feel that God has stretched me every which way, even in just the first 32 days of this year.
I sit relieved. Knowing that the whole thing is God's plan. That though I have ideas about what I want, there is a Master Plan, with a very loving God shaping me, the people around me, the situations around me, and that I will never be abandoned in the process.
For some reason I feel like almost all of us deal with some sort of fear of abandonment. I wonder why I feel this way. I've never actually been abandoned. Actually I don't even think I've had friends depart ways with me that I wasn't happy to see them go! I guess I'm thinking of more emotional abandonment. Having a connection with someone, a shared experience, or something of that nature and then have that person betray you by sharing your secret or not talking to you or talking about you. Hmmm...I bet I've had that happen a time or two!
Relationships are so complex. I love my hubby. I sat watching The Bachelor tonight thinking about falling in love with CP all over again! It's just weird to me that God puts people together who don't understand one another on several levels. A lot of times I feel like we "miss" one another in our minds. Yeah, man and woman. We are from totally different planets. But we need one another. And our lives aren't complete without one another. Sometimes I wonder if I feel too strongly for my husband. It's that feeling like when you're falling in love and you feel scared! The feeling of vulnerability. The feeling of putting myself out there and will he love me even though I am an enigma to him (and most other people too!).
Wow, a lot of the dynamic of being married depends on faith, just like our walk with Christ does. That when he says he loves me, I don't second guess it. When it's scary to trust, I have to have faith that God watches over us both and will catch us if and when we fall. That when I'm letting go...I'm letting God.
I guess I've been feeling more emotional the last couple of days because I've actually entered a new phase of life. No more 9-5. Looking at the checkbook, without faith we'd be saying "Erika, you need to get a new job!" But we're not, and we both feel we're stepping into the right place for this season in our lives. I was so excited to suggest another kid instead of another job! ;) Anyway...we'll have to wait on that for a little while! Just a little while, Lord willing!
So I am trying to get settled in my new life. Trying to set reasonable boundaries and expectations for myself and my family. I had this list of things in my mind of things that I would accomplish when this day came. But now I'm telling myself to slow down in accomplishing the list. I have to learn to rest. Relax. SELF CARE. A part of my life that I learned is VERY important, that I often neglect. No more. I've made a conscious decisions to on most days have time where I do absolutely nothing except read a book, nap, or watch t.v. Maybe do a crossword. Or a puzzle. Hmmm...I need to find a good 1000 piece puzzle to work on!
Yes, I'm random. I'm learning to stop criticizing it and love how God made me. He didn't make a mistake on me; neither did he make a mistake on you. He smiles when he thinks of our idiosyncrasies. And thinks "that's MY kid!"
I sit relieved. Knowing that the whole thing is God's plan. That though I have ideas about what I want, there is a Master Plan, with a very loving God shaping me, the people around me, the situations around me, and that I will never be abandoned in the process.
For some reason I feel like almost all of us deal with some sort of fear of abandonment. I wonder why I feel this way. I've never actually been abandoned. Actually I don't even think I've had friends depart ways with me that I wasn't happy to see them go! I guess I'm thinking of more emotional abandonment. Having a connection with someone, a shared experience, or something of that nature and then have that person betray you by sharing your secret or not talking to you or talking about you. Hmmm...I bet I've had that happen a time or two!
Relationships are so complex. I love my hubby. I sat watching The Bachelor tonight thinking about falling in love with CP all over again! It's just weird to me that God puts people together who don't understand one another on several levels. A lot of times I feel like we "miss" one another in our minds. Yeah, man and woman. We are from totally different planets. But we need one another. And our lives aren't complete without one another. Sometimes I wonder if I feel too strongly for my husband. It's that feeling like when you're falling in love and you feel scared! The feeling of vulnerability. The feeling of putting myself out there and will he love me even though I am an enigma to him (and most other people too!).
Wow, a lot of the dynamic of being married depends on faith, just like our walk with Christ does. That when he says he loves me, I don't second guess it. When it's scary to trust, I have to have faith that God watches over us both and will catch us if and when we fall. That when I'm letting go...I'm letting God.
I guess I've been feeling more emotional the last couple of days because I've actually entered a new phase of life. No more 9-5. Looking at the checkbook, without faith we'd be saying "Erika, you need to get a new job!" But we're not, and we both feel we're stepping into the right place for this season in our lives. I was so excited to suggest another kid instead of another job! ;) Anyway...we'll have to wait on that for a little while! Just a little while, Lord willing!
So I am trying to get settled in my new life. Trying to set reasonable boundaries and expectations for myself and my family. I had this list of things in my mind of things that I would accomplish when this day came. But now I'm telling myself to slow down in accomplishing the list. I have to learn to rest. Relax. SELF CARE. A part of my life that I learned is VERY important, that I often neglect. No more. I've made a conscious decisions to on most days have time where I do absolutely nothing except read a book, nap, or watch t.v. Maybe do a crossword. Or a puzzle. Hmmm...I need to find a good 1000 piece puzzle to work on!
Yes, I'm random. I'm learning to stop criticizing it and love how God made me. He didn't make a mistake on me; neither did he make a mistake on you. He smiles when he thinks of our idiosyncrasies. And thinks "that's MY kid!"
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
2010 Already!?
Wow, I didn't realize that this is my first 2010 blog until just now. We're already 12 days into the first month...and a lot HAS NOT changed for me!
I'm referring to the fact that I'm still working, mostly. Finally the deal closed so that does mean I'm going to work no longer than January 30th. This whole thing is bittersweet. I've been so exhausted lately I'm looking forward to not having to get up and go to my scientist job. BUT, it is terribly sad packing up stuff and saying goodbyes. It would've been easier if everyone said goodbye and parted ways on the same day, but a few were let go on the way, and my 3 girlfriends were let go on December 31st. Another goodbye tomorrow...and then I along with a few others will be let go in the next couple of weeks.
I miss my colleague who is away having chemo terribly. She left in May and I haven't seen her since. We've communicated by email and text, and my boss and another coworker have seen her, but I haven't. While on chemo she has a supressed immune system, so even the others had to keep their distance. I pray for her constantly, for a quick recovery and for strength as she goes through this; but I am definately sad there will be no "PPD Biomarker Services" for her to return to when she's through all of this.
My husband now seems VERY excited that I won't be working. He's constantly talking about a new baby :) and making travel plans to youth conferences for us to attend. I'm blessed that he didn't ever seem to go through the "this is a disaster how are we ever gonna make it" phase after I told him about the impending job loss. Definately makes a difference knowing that GOD is our source and not PPD or anyone else.
We've had to make some other "difficult" decisions. Like short selling one of our properties in the ATL area. We shouldn't have moved as fast as we did to buy that one, and it's been vacant for too long. But knowing that soon it will be off of our "books" is a relief. Hopefully the whole process goes smoothly!
Well, Snow Trip is this weekend. I'm kinda nervous. I know it will be a great time, just like the jr high and sr high summer retreats. But none of us have ever snowboarded before. Hopefully we enjoy it! I heard it is kinda tricky...but I'm hoping that the kids give it a chance (or give themselves a chance) to learn and aren't too quick to give up.
I look forwarding to updating my blog once we're back. I look forward to having great stories to tell!
I'm referring to the fact that I'm still working, mostly. Finally the deal closed so that does mean I'm going to work no longer than January 30th. This whole thing is bittersweet. I've been so exhausted lately I'm looking forward to not having to get up and go to my scientist job. BUT, it is terribly sad packing up stuff and saying goodbyes. It would've been easier if everyone said goodbye and parted ways on the same day, but a few were let go on the way, and my 3 girlfriends were let go on December 31st. Another goodbye tomorrow...and then I along with a few others will be let go in the next couple of weeks.
I miss my colleague who is away having chemo terribly. She left in May and I haven't seen her since. We've communicated by email and text, and my boss and another coworker have seen her, but I haven't. While on chemo she has a supressed immune system, so even the others had to keep their distance. I pray for her constantly, for a quick recovery and for strength as she goes through this; but I am definately sad there will be no "PPD Biomarker Services" for her to return to when she's through all of this.
My husband now seems VERY excited that I won't be working. He's constantly talking about a new baby :) and making travel plans to youth conferences for us to attend. I'm blessed that he didn't ever seem to go through the "this is a disaster how are we ever gonna make it" phase after I told him about the impending job loss. Definately makes a difference knowing that GOD is our source and not PPD or anyone else.
We've had to make some other "difficult" decisions. Like short selling one of our properties in the ATL area. We shouldn't have moved as fast as we did to buy that one, and it's been vacant for too long. But knowing that soon it will be off of our "books" is a relief. Hopefully the whole process goes smoothly!
Well, Snow Trip is this weekend. I'm kinda nervous. I know it will be a great time, just like the jr high and sr high summer retreats. But none of us have ever snowboarded before. Hopefully we enjoy it! I heard it is kinda tricky...but I'm hoping that the kids give it a chance (or give themselves a chance) to learn and aren't too quick to give up.
I look forwarding to updating my blog once we're back. I look forward to having great stories to tell!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Flashbacks, and Snow Trip!
So much of the things we go through is rooted in things we have experienced in the past. We all wear googles of some sort, some even blinders. I think my near meltdown today was because I temporarily had the spectacles of my teenage years growing up in "the church" on.
So when I say near meltdown, I'm actually exaggerating. A LOT, now that I think of it...because I have had actual meltdowns in the past, and this was of maybe 1/100 of that magnitude.
So I should not call it a meltdown, but a fit of frustration.
The relevant info from the past: I grew up at the same church my whole life. So I had people in my life who "knew" who my parents were, "knew" my financial status, "knew" my academic accomplishments, "knew" who I hung out with, etc. They knew all these things, and they thought they "knew" me.
Wrong. Even my husband (then just another kid in my youth group who was intimidated by me, LMBO) had preconceived ideas about me that were way off.
I didn't feel this way whenever I got around people who didn't already "think" they knew me. Actually the two summers away from home when I was 16 and 17 were the best 4 months of my teenage life. I got to go into new situations being ERIKA and guess what...people liked me!!! When I went away to college...I found even more people who got to know me and liked me!
Anyway, so the point is sometimes people know things about you, or hear rumors from other people, and choose to believe those things without getting to know you. And in the past it always cast me in a negative light.
I've gotten over it...and now some of the people from the past are still in my life, and some aren't. Most have figured out by now that I am not the person they thought I was. LOL I rarely give any thought to it. Most of the time if I do it is a laughing matter.
Anyway, interacting with teenage girls as a youth pastor has been very, very rewarding in a lot of ways. I'm blessed and humbled that God would choose me and my hubby (as dysfunctional we have been in the past!) to minister to His kiddos.
But good Lord, today I felt like I had a flashback to the past! One or two people can start "rumors" (about me) that I don't know who's heard, or who hasn't heard, but enough people have that for some reason anything that kids don't like about the youth group or youth activities (or the lack thereof) is now being characterized as something I've done or a decision I've made to ruin their lives LOL...I'm putting extra on it, but I'm feeling dramatic right now ;) Other stuff has been said...and it's whatever...but I guess today I was frustrated because I'm thinking "Here I am trying to arrange for 2 days of snowboarding (on a 3.5 day snow trip that is less than 3 weeks away) for teenagers who all they are talking about right now is that they can't stay at the church between 1:30-8:30am on January 1st for a sleepover and that as a result of there not being a sleepover they might go out and party and somehow this is Pastor Erika's fault!?"
Ok, so I'm laughing for real. I don't mean that in a sarcastic way. It's amusing, now that I'm over it...but I understand what parents go through. You work hard and feed and clothe ur kids, etc. and then all they do is complain. And then they expect you to do extra! My prayers are with you parents out there.
So I'm gonna press through, and plan this Snow Trip! I'm looking forward to a good time. And if anyone acts up I'm gonna lock them out of their condo.
So when I say near meltdown, I'm actually exaggerating. A LOT, now that I think of it...because I have had actual meltdowns in the past, and this was of maybe 1/100 of that magnitude.
So I should not call it a meltdown, but a fit of frustration.
The relevant info from the past: I grew up at the same church my whole life. So I had people in my life who "knew" who my parents were, "knew" my financial status, "knew" my academic accomplishments, "knew" who I hung out with, etc. They knew all these things, and they thought they "knew" me.
Wrong. Even my husband (then just another kid in my youth group who was intimidated by me, LMBO) had preconceived ideas about me that were way off.
I didn't feel this way whenever I got around people who didn't already "think" they knew me. Actually the two summers away from home when I was 16 and 17 were the best 4 months of my teenage life. I got to go into new situations being ERIKA and guess what...people liked me!!! When I went away to college...I found even more people who got to know me and liked me!
Anyway, so the point is sometimes people know things about you, or hear rumors from other people, and choose to believe those things without getting to know you. And in the past it always cast me in a negative light.
I've gotten over it...and now some of the people from the past are still in my life, and some aren't. Most have figured out by now that I am not the person they thought I was. LOL I rarely give any thought to it. Most of the time if I do it is a laughing matter.
Anyway, interacting with teenage girls as a youth pastor has been very, very rewarding in a lot of ways. I'm blessed and humbled that God would choose me and my hubby (as dysfunctional we have been in the past!) to minister to His kiddos.
But good Lord, today I felt like I had a flashback to the past! One or two people can start "rumors" (about me) that I don't know who's heard, or who hasn't heard, but enough people have that for some reason anything that kids don't like about the youth group or youth activities (or the lack thereof) is now being characterized as something I've done or a decision I've made to ruin their lives LOL...I'm putting extra on it, but I'm feeling dramatic right now ;) Other stuff has been said...and it's whatever...but I guess today I was frustrated because I'm thinking "Here I am trying to arrange for 2 days of snowboarding (on a 3.5 day snow trip that is less than 3 weeks away) for teenagers who all they are talking about right now is that they can't stay at the church between 1:30-8:30am on January 1st for a sleepover and that as a result of there not being a sleepover they might go out and party and somehow this is Pastor Erika's fault!?"
Ok, so I'm laughing for real. I don't mean that in a sarcastic way. It's amusing, now that I'm over it...but I understand what parents go through. You work hard and feed and clothe ur kids, etc. and then all they do is complain. And then they expect you to do extra! My prayers are with you parents out there.
So I'm gonna press through, and plan this Snow Trip! I'm looking forward to a good time. And if anyone acts up I'm gonna lock them out of their condo.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Parenthood...and the love of the Father
I love my daughter. More than I could've imagined. Being a parent (of a two year old, no less) has demonstrated (to me) God's love for us, his kids, better than any lesson I was taught in Sunday School.
There has never been a day when I thought "this child is getting on my nerves; I don't love her anymore." There have been some times when she really irked me, like when we were on vacation in San Diego and she wouldn't sleep at night (or in the day for that matter) and we ended up leaving our beautiful resort at 4am because we had given up on trying to get her to sleep. We left family camp early on a different trip, or even our weekend trip to Monterrey in the middle of the night because of Aria. Yeah, CP and I were disappointed, but if we could get through to "the child" she would have understood we were saying "Aria if you take your nap, you'll wake up and feel better. Not only that, we will take you to Disneyland (if ur a sweet baby!), or for ice cream, or something equally as spectacular for a kid.
There is something in a parent that makes them want to spoil their kids. Unfortunately sometimes the kid doesn't quite understand the "rewards" that come with the obedience. Whether 2 years old, a teenager, kid, or grownup, we have a Father who loves us more than we could ever imagine. He looks at us proud of his "baby" even when we're not doing right--but trying to tell us "Kiddo, just follow what I told you and you'll get out of your rut!" or "I have such great things I want you to see and do, but I need you to show me I can trust you with these things!"
The love of God is beyond our comprehension. God is for us--not against us. He is not a God who looks down on us to point out our wrongs, make us feel guilty or ashamed.
When Aria has an "owwie" I run to her, pick her up, kiss her wound (I would heal it too if I could) and let her know I'm sad when she's hurting.
So why is it when we're hurt and our Daddy God wants to scoop us up and lather on the love and healing (yes, He can do more than just kiss our wound)- we push Him away? We tell Him "no thanks I got this on my own" or "nah, I think I'll let my boo or bff take care of this one."
We reject the very one who can make it all better. Not always consciously...but as soon as we come to the awareness of what we've done we must rectify it and run back to the one who loves us sooooo much...
There has never been a day when I thought "this child is getting on my nerves; I don't love her anymore." There have been some times when she really irked me, like when we were on vacation in San Diego and she wouldn't sleep at night (or in the day for that matter) and we ended up leaving our beautiful resort at 4am because we had given up on trying to get her to sleep. We left family camp early on a different trip, or even our weekend trip to Monterrey in the middle of the night because of Aria. Yeah, CP and I were disappointed, but if we could get through to "the child" she would have understood we were saying "Aria if you take your nap, you'll wake up and feel better. Not only that, we will take you to Disneyland (if ur a sweet baby!), or for ice cream, or something equally as spectacular for a kid.
There is something in a parent that makes them want to spoil their kids. Unfortunately sometimes the kid doesn't quite understand the "rewards" that come with the obedience. Whether 2 years old, a teenager, kid, or grownup, we have a Father who loves us more than we could ever imagine. He looks at us proud of his "baby" even when we're not doing right--but trying to tell us "Kiddo, just follow what I told you and you'll get out of your rut!" or "I have such great things I want you to see and do, but I need you to show me I can trust you with these things!"
The love of God is beyond our comprehension. God is for us--not against us. He is not a God who looks down on us to point out our wrongs, make us feel guilty or ashamed.
When Aria has an "owwie" I run to her, pick her up, kiss her wound (I would heal it too if I could) and let her know I'm sad when she's hurting.
So why is it when we're hurt and our Daddy God wants to scoop us up and lather on the love and healing (yes, He can do more than just kiss our wound)- we push Him away? We tell Him "no thanks I got this on my own" or "nah, I think I'll let my boo or bff take care of this one."
We reject the very one who can make it all better. Not always consciously...but as soon as we come to the awareness of what we've done we must rectify it and run back to the one who loves us sooooo much...
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